Sex Can Be Funny – 50 Humorous Quotes, Volume 1

Sex Can Be Funny – 50 Humorous Quotes, Volume 1

by | Jun 30, 2020 | Humor

Yes, sex can be funny.  Stereotypes about men and women can be amusing.  Even relationship conflict can be (painfully) hilarious.  Anything with a kernel of truth that resonates with your personal experience can be funny and bring a feeling of recognition and being understood.

Sex and romance have inspired humorous musings by writers, philosophers, artists and comedians throughout time.  The joy and agony of “love” have often been exalted or exorcised with comical observation.   Here are a few quips that might make you laugh or make you think.  We need this particular humor to survive our human condition – to recognize the differences between men and women and the universality of our quest for sexual fulfillment.  Mostly, we need to laugh at ourselves in order to survive the whole thing.

Note: Future blogs in this category will explore serious relationship topics in a humorous light and the importance of humor itself in the science of attraction and sex.  For now, let’s get the laugh reflex (or smile muscles) going with some funny observations and quotes.

50 Funny Quotes About Sex, Love, and Relationship (Volume 1):

  1. “There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500.”  — Lynn Lavner
  2. “It isn’t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.” — George Burns
  3. “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.”  — Sharon Stone
  4. “Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”  — Barbara Bush
  5. “Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.” – Robin Williams
  6. “According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say women are too judgmental where, of course, men are just grateful.” – Robert De Niro
  7. “There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.  They say they cause severe swelling.  So what’s the problem?”  – Dustin Hoffman
  8. “It’s been so long since I’ve had sex, I’ve forgotten who ties up whom.” – Joan Rivers
  9. “You don’t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.” — Emo Phillips
  10. “Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.”  — Oscar Wilde
  11. “I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.”  – Woody Allen
  12. “My heart’s in the right place. I know cuz I hid it there.”  — Carrie Fisher
  13. “You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap.” – Dolly Parton
  14. “Good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere.” – Helen Gurley Brown
  15. “A man who correctly guesses a woman’s age may be smart, but he is not very bright.” – Lucille Ball
  16. “Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” — Groucho Marx
  17. “It’s no good pretending than any relationship has a future if your record collections disagree violently or if your favorite films wouldn’t even speak to one another if they met at a party.” — Nick Hornby
  18. “Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful, and natural experiences that money can buy.” — Steve Martin
  19. “Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go, it’s pretty damn good.” — Woody Allen
  20. “Sex is like air; it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.” —  John Callahan
  21. “It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on.” – Marilyn Monroe
  22. “My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.” — Rodney Dangerfield
  23. “I remember the first time I had sex. I kept the receipt.” – Groucho Marx
  24. “Women don’t want to hear what you think. Women want to hear what they think – in a deeper voice.” (source deleted)
  25. “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” – Lily Tomlin
  26. “What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.” – Mike Birbiglia
  27. “My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.” — Joan Rivers
  28. “God gave me both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.” — Robin Williams
  29. “Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we’re doing we can be ready in two minutes.” – Jerry Seinfeld
  30. “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.” – Chelsea Handler
  31. “If we take matrimony at its lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognized by the police.” – Robert Louis Stevenson
  32. “Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?” — Groucho Marx
  33. “Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.  A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing.  She goes on Tuesdays, I go Fridays.” — Henny Youngman
  34. “Sex and pizza, they say, are similar. When it’s good, it’s good.  When it’s bad, you get it on your shirt.”  – Mike Birbiglia
  35. “Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on a Saturday night.” – Woody Allen
  36. “Never marry a man you wouldn’t want to be divorced from.” – Nora Ephron
  37. “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock
  38. “A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes, she’s a tramp.” — Joan Rivers
  39. “Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.” — Groucho Marx
  40. “Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.” — Dave Attel

     

    From Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Don’t Read Maps by Allan and Barbara Pease

  41. “Once I didn’t talk to my wife for six months,” said the comedian. “I didn’t want to interrupt.
  42. “Men hate criticism – that’s why they like to marry virgins.”
  43. “Men give their penis a name because they don’t want a stranger making 99 percent of their decisions for them.”
  44. “You’re a lousy lover!” she said. “How can you tell in two minutes?” he asked.
  45. “Men prefer looks to brains because most men can see better than they can think.”
  46. “Men fantasize about having sex with two women. Women fantasize about it too – so they’ll have someone to talk to when he falls asleep.”
  47. “Men don’t fake orgasm – no man wants to make a face like that on purpose.”
  48. “Most women prefer sex with the lights out – they can’t bear to see a man enjoying himself.”
  49. “Ray plays his wedding video backward. He says it’s so he can see himself walk out of church a free man.”
  50. “Marriage has its good side. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, tolerance, self-restraint, and other valuable qualities you wouldn’t need if you stayed single.”

Dear reader, keeping laughing at yourself.  That is actually sexy and good for your health.  Please send me your funny quips and quotes about sex and relationships.  I will give you credit, and we can increase the laughter for everyone in Volume 2. 

Thanks!

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Spontaneous and Response Desire – the Underbelly of Heterosexual Mating

Spontaneous and Response Desire – the Underbelly of Heterosexual Mating

by | Jun 16, 2020 | Biological Difference, Dating & Mating Economy, Relationship Issues, Sexuality

 

John met Sarah at a happy-hour event. She was surrounded by a group of men, but John got some eye contact from her and shared a quick introduction and small talk.  It was apparent she was not “with” any of these men, although each one was interested in her.  John was enamored by Sarah’s bright eyes, her smile, her gestures, her voice – by everything about her. He felt compelled (an urgency in his body) to get a moment with her as she walked toward the door to depart.  He gave her his card.  (He knew that was lame.) Of course, she did not call him.  He saw her weeks later at the same event.  He asked for her number and declared his interest.  She said she “was not dating right now.” John expressed understanding and acceptance. But he did not really understand if Sarah was just not into him or if this was actually a “bad time” (whatever that meant) for her.  John had done his part to initiate but did not know Sarah’s “situation” or what she was actually thinking and feeling.  And he never would.

What Are ‘Spontaneous’ and ‘Response’ Desire?

“Spontaneous” and “response” desire are research terms related to the sexual psychology of men and women.  They reflect behavioral expressions of biological sex differences (hormones and brain), evolutionary mating strategies, sex “drive” differences, differences in sexual “context” setting, and functioning of the modern-day dating and mating economy.

When the spontaneous desire of men encounters the response desire of women, misunderstanding and frustration may ensue.  This blog explores research on sexual desire by Emily Nagoski* (Come As You Are, 2015) and is a companion to the blog post “Is Your Sexual Foot on The Accelerator or Brake?”   I will address issues of spontaneous vs. response desire related to long-term committed partners and supply and demand in the mating economy for initial mate selection and briefly return to John and Sarah before concluding.  But first, let’s revisit some of the science.

Sexual Excitation System (SES) and Sexual Inhibition System (SIS)

Emily Nagoski suggests both men and women have an excitation system (accelerator) and inhibition system (brake) for sexual activity.   She calls this the “dual control model.”  Think of this dual control as biological mechanisms for approach and avoidance.

Men Operate From Their Accelerator

Men operate primarily from their accelerator, or sexual excitation system (SES), constantly scanning the environment for anything sexually relevant.  The SES turns-on with anything a man sees (especially), hears, smells, tastes, or imagines.  The SES operates proactively — it approaches, pursues, and initiates spontaneously.

Women Are “Brake” Dominant

 The inhibition system or brake (SIS), in contrast to the SES, notices all potential threats in the environment and sends a signal to turn-off.  It is associated with fear of consequences and self-consciousness.  Women are decidedly SIS-dominant.  They respond to sexual opportunities only in the right context and when safety is assured.  They are quite content to rest in a cautious or neutral zone until the right stimulus is presented.  Out of sight, out of mind is the default position of response desire.

Spontaneous Desire is the Signature Feature of the Male Sex Drive

“Spontaneous desire” happens when the SES is fully activated.  The SES fuels spontaneous sexual pursuit with a sense of urgency and eagerness.   Male sexuality is “accelerator-dominant” and spontaneous by nature; it reacts, more than women, to sexually relevant stimuli independent of context and more commonly initiates.  Spontaneous desire is the signature feature of the male sex drive, fueled by testosterone and brain structures.  (See future blogs for further discussion of sex drive, sexual thoughts, and fantasies.)

When Arousal Meets a Great Context

“Response desire” occurs when one is willing to receive sexual interest although not initially feeling desire or sexual arousal.  The SES accelerator system is quiet; the SIS braking system is alert but not overly triggered. With sufficient sexual stimuli and appropriate context, response desire allows one (usually a woman) to move from a place of neutrality to being aroused and desirous of a sexual connection.   Because women are more “brake-dominant” in their sexual response, their desire more likely happens, in Nagoski’s words, “when [physiological] arousal meets a great context.”  For many women, subjective desire comes after physiological arousal, not before.  Rosemary Basson (author and Director of the University of British Columbia Sexual Medicine Program) says for many women, desire is not the cause of love-making, but rather the result.

Eighty-Five Percent of Women Are Response-Desire Dominant

According to Nagoski, 30 percent of women never experience spontaneous desire for sex, while 75 percent of men mostly experience spontaneous desire.   She says 55 percent of women experience a relative combination of spontaneous and response desire but ultimately concludes (Come As You Are, p. 307) that 85 percent of women are response-desire dominant.

Context Is Everything for Women

Nagoski says context for women is made of two things:  

1) the circumstances of the present moment – whom you are with, where you are, whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky or safe, and

2) a woman’s brain state in the present moment:  whether she is relaxed or stressed, trusting or not, loving or not, at that moment. 

“The evidence is mounting that women’s sexual response is more sensitive than men’s to context, including mood and relationship factors, and women vary more from each other in how much such factors influence their sexual response.”  (Come As You Are, p.  75).  For women, a great context can create subjective arousal; a bad context can prevent it entirely.

Desire Patterns in Long-term Relationships

The “collision” or “collaboration” of these two desire patterns can create interesting challenges in heterosexual sexual relating, especially in sustaining desire in long-term monogamous relationships.

For maintaining mutual desire in a long-term monogamous relationship, Esther Perel, (author of Mating in Captivity and leading expert in couple’s psychotherapy) recommends developing autonomy “inside of” the relationship in order to create a space for “wanting” what you don’t have.   John Gottman, in contrast, recommends (The Science of Trust) deepening intimacy as a doorway to the erotic life in a long-term monogamous relationship.   Perel says “build a bridge to cross” fueled by “wanting” and Gottman says “build a bridge together” fueled by “having.”

Increase Activation of Accelerator and Decrease Activation of the Brake

Nagoski says either of these strategies may accomplish the same overall goal:  increasing activation of the accelerator and decreasing activation of the brake.  The goal of both approaches is to sustain curiosity.  Perel suggests we sustain curiosity about our partner when we view them from a distance.  Gottman suggests we sustain curiosity about the nature of pleasure in the context of commitment.

Take Control of the Context

It is clear that passion does not happen automatically in a long-term relationship. But passion can happen if the couple takes deliberate control of their context.  Neither the strategy of distance nor the strategy of deepening intimacy by itself will nullify the foundational, biological difference between spontaneous male desire and response-oriented female desire.

Spontaneous and Response Desire in the Brain

Differences in brain structure between men and women relate to the spontaneous and response desire systems.  Men, in general, have a higher baseline of activity in the older part of the brain, the limbic system, which makes them particularly alert during the first stage of seduction, according to the renowned physician and author, Marianne Legato (Why Men Die First).

Area of Sexual Pursuit is 2.5 Times Larger In Males

The medial preoptic area (MPOA), found in the hypothalamus, is related to sexual pursuit and is 2.5 times larger in males, according to neuropsychiatrist, Louann Brizendine (The Male Brain).  Men also show greater activity in the visual cortex when perceiving erotic pictures, reflecting a gender-specific visual mechanism for sexual selection.

Female Amygdala and Cautious Sexual Response

The brain’s danger and alert system is the amygdala.  While larger in males, the female amygdala seems to be more sensitive to the fear of consequences, modulating a more cautious sexual response.

Fear of Punishment and Sexual Anxiety in the Female Brain

Another part of the brain, the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), creates a more response-dominant neurological foundation for women.  According to Brizendine, the ACC is the worrywart, fear-of-punishment area, and center of sexual performance anxiety.  It weighs options, detects conflicts, and motivates decisions.  The ACC is also the area for self-consciousness; the ACC is bigger in women.

Spontaneous and Response Desire is Predicted in Human Mating

The difference in male and female desire patterns is extremely relevant to the operation of the dating and mating economy.  Spontaneous desire and response desire are aligned with the short-term mating strategy of men, the long-term mating strategy of women (respectively), and the biological foundation of the sexual accelerator and brake.   Spontaneous desire for men and response desire for women are predicted by human mating strategies as defined in the fields of evolutionary psychology and biological science.

A man’s short-term mating strategy fuels desire for contact with women for any possible chance of a romantic or sexual encounter.   A women’s long-term strategy creates caution and selectivity in accepting male advances.  The reasons for this evolutionary adaptation are central tenets of mate selection science.   (See Human Mating Strategies and What is Mate Selection Science? pages.)

Supply and Demand of Spontaneous and Response Desire

Men (mostly) sell.  Women (mostly) buy.  In the human mating economy, the buyer (female chooser) significantly controls the marketplace; men spontaneously pursue, women respond when ready.  The difference between buyer and seller in the sexual marketplace determines motivation, behavior, and the experience of sexual scarcity or abundance.

Sex is (Relatively) an Abundant Resource for Women

Sex for most women (during their fertile years) is an abundant resource; it is not in short supply.  It is a need (subject to self-imposed selection preferences) that can almost always be met.  Therefore, there is no need to attend to it (out of sight, out of mind).  There is no need to respond to any particular man if conditions are not perfect and that man is not preferred (in that moment) over other men available in her dating pool.   At another moment in time, Sarah might respond to John. 

Conclusion

Sexual relating between men and women often hinges on the “dance” between spontaneous desire and response desire – the “undercurrents” of strategy and preference in dating and mating.   Desire patterns are biologically based with evolutionary roots (human mating adaptations for reproduction and survival of children).  Understanding sex differences in spontaneous and response desire is a pathway for awareness, empathy, and behavior change that will improve heterosexual relationships.

Notes

Emily Nagoski is the former Director of Wellness Education at Smith College where she taught Women’s Sexuality.  She is a respected author and expert in the field of sexuality — writing, speaking, and training internationally.

If you are tracking along with these blogs (in addition to reading pages on the main menus!), you will notice I have cited (so far) male-female differences related to:

  • subjective vs. physiological arousal,
  • sexual excitation vs. inhibition,
  • spontaneous vs. response desire,
  • sex “drive,” 
  • influence of situational context, and
  • overall mating strategies.

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Is Your Sexual Foot on the Accelerator or Brake?

Is Your Sexual Foot on the Accelerator or Brake?

by | Jun 2, 2020 | Biological Difference, Relationship Issues, Sexuality, Women's Issues

Men and women are different. Their “sexual engine” makes different use of the accelerator and brake. Author, sex researcher, and professor of women’s sexuality, Emily Nagoski, calls this the “dual control model” (Come As You Are, 2015). This model explains aspects of the biological and psychological difference between male and female sexuality and what we need to know to have sexual self-confidence and empathy for our partners.

Accelerator vs. Brake

The central sexual response mechanism in the brains of men and women consist of two universal components – a sexual accelerator and a sexual brake.

This dual control model consists of two parts:

  1. The Sexual Excitation System (SES) or “accelerator” of sexual response receives information about sexually relevant stimuli in the environment. It sends signals from the brain to the genitals to “turn-on”. The SES constantly scans the “context” (including thoughts and feelings) for things that are sexually relevant. With the SES, anything you see, hear, smell, taste, or imagine might send a “turn-on” message.
  2. The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) is the sexual “brake.” This system notices all potential threats in the environment (such as STI transmission, unwanted pregnancy, social consequences of sexual activity) and sends signals to “turn off”. Nagoski calls this the sexual “foot brake.” It is primarily associated with the fear of consequences. There is also a second brake, more akin to a handbrake, associated with a fear of performance failure, like worry about not having an orgasm. “If you try to drive with the handbrake on,” says Nagoski, you might be able to get where you want to go, but it’ll take longer and use a lot more gas” (Come As You Are, p. 49).
For Arousal — Activate the Accelerator and Deactivate the Brake

Arousal (psychological desire) happens with activation of the accelerator and deactivation of the brake. The former is more salient for men, the latter more important for women. Male sexuality is accelerator-dominant because the SES scans for female attributes that are cues of fertility. The SES (in men) is the pursuer and the initiator. Women’s brake system comports with the evolutionary agenda for a cautious choice of a mate and a need for safety.

Accelerator and Brake in the Brain

Differences in brain structure between men and women are related to the male-dominant accelerator system and the female-dominant brake system.

Men, in general, have a higher baseline of activity in the older part of the brain, the limbic system, which makes them particularly alert during the first stage of seduction, according to Marianne Legato* (Why Men Die First). The medial preoptic area (MPOA), found in the hypothalamus, is related to sexual pursuit and is 2.5 times larger in males, according to neuropsychiatrist Louann Brizendine (The Male Brain). Men also show greater activity in the visual cortex when perceiving erotic pictures, reflecting a gender-specific visual mechanism for sexual selection.

Female Amygdala is More Sensitive to the Fear of Consequences

The brain’s danger and alert system is the amygdala. While larger in males, the female amygdala seems to be more sensitive to the fear of consequences descriptive of the braking system.

Brain’s Worry Center is Bigger in Women

Another part of the brain, the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), is also involved in “braking.” According to Brizendine, the ACC is the worrywart, fear-of-punishment area, and center of sexual performance anxiety. It weighs options, detects conflicts, and motivates decisions. The ACC is also the area for self-consciousness (the “handbrake”). The ACC is bigger in women. In addition to a less active ACC in men, testosterone decreases worry about punishment and reduces the strength of a sexual brake and fortifies the sexual accelerator.

Women Put On the Brakes

For women, in both ancient and modern times, safety is a powerful need that activates the sexual brake: fear of being killed, being raped, getting pregnant, and/or having their reputation destroyed. A woman’s deepest unconscious fear is that a man will rape or kill her. (A man’s deepest unconscious fear is that a woman will sexually humiliate him.)

Sexual Temperament Questionnaire

According to Nagoski’s research using her “Sexual Temperament Questionnaire,” 50-65% of women have a moderately strong inhibition system (SIS). Any increase in stress (anxiety, overwhelm, exhaustion) will reduce interest. And, 25% of women have a “high” SIS or a very strong braking system. These women are sensitive to all reasons not to be aroused and have more sexual problems than women with less active SIS. Nagoski says low female desire is not about hormones or boredom with monogamy; it is most likely about stress, depression, anxiety, trauma, attachment, relationship satisfaction, and lack of self-compassion. [Other researchers say boredom and lack of novelty do affect female marital desire.]

SES and SIS Operate Independently

The sensitivity of the SES and SIS are individual traits. Both can be sensitive, both can be not sensitive, and one or the other can be sensitive and not sensitive, co-existing together. (It can get very complicated!) But the general differences of dual control between men and women directly affect their sexual relating and sexual psychology. These differences are congruent with evolutionary theory and mate selection science.

Asexuals Have Essentially No Sexual Excitation System

A fairly weak accelerator (independent of brakes) is one predictor of asexuality – people who do not desire sexual contact. In studies of self-identified asexuals, researchers found asexuals had significantly “less accelerator” activity than their sexual counterparts (Prause and Graham, 2007**). Nagoski posits that part of the cause of asexuality as a sexual orientation for women is that their brains do not notice sexually relevant stimuli. Nagoski says asexuals represent only about 1 percent of the general population. Whereas, about 5-10 percent of women score as having low SES on the Sexual Temperament Questionnaire.

Why is it Important to Understand the Sexual Accelerator and Brake?

Men and women have differences that we must acknowledge and understand to have fulfilling romantic and sexual relationships.

A difference in the level of desire is the single most common sexual dysfunction for couples. Usually, that dysfunction includes a belief by one partner that their level of desire is better or is the way it “should be.” Nagoski suggests it is not the differential in desire that causes the dysfunction but how the couple manages it. The problem isn’t desire itself; it’s the context. What is needed is more sexually relevant stimuli activating the accelerator and fewer things hitting the brake.

Advice for Couples

Good advice to couples is to focus first and foremost on the operation of her “brakes.”  What is the right context for romance and sex; what context for sexual expression takes her foot off the brake? What are the sources of her stress, anxiety, and relationship dissatisfaction? What trauma is still unexamined and unresolved? What triggers her handbrake — body image concerns or worry about orgasm? The to-do list in her head?

Nagoski has a helpful worksheet in Come As You Are to identify and list the “not-so-sexy” inhibitory contexts (as well as a worksheet for situational accelerators) in the following categories: mental and physical well-being, partner characteristics, relationship characteristics, other life circumstances, and the sexual activities practiced.

Conclusion

The composition of our excitation and inhibition systems is set by our biology, life experiences, and habits. Creating the right balance of acceleration and braking for any person or couple is more art than science, and probably hard work. Again, these are individualized sensitivities. But there is no substitute for giving your partner understanding, acceptance, and compassion. Start with how men and women are generally different and what part of that difference is true for you as a person and a couple. Let’s refuel that engine with the right contexts and get it back on the road at the right speed.

Notes

See blog: Spontaneous and Response Desire — the Underbelly of Heterosexual Mating and future blogs on the importance of context for women.

*Marianne Legato is an internationally renowned academic, physician, author, lecturer, and pioneer in the field of gender-specific medicine. She is Professor Emerita of Clinical Medicine at Columba University and founder of The Partnership of Gender-Specific Medicine.

**Prause, N. and Graham, C., “Asexuality: classification and characterization.” Archives of Sexual Behavior 36, 2007, p. 341-56).

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