Assortative Mating and Indian Match-Making — “Caste” in Stone?

Assortative Mating and Indian Match-Making — “Caste” in Stone?

by | Aug 11, 2020 | Dating & Mating Economy, Steven's Story, Women's Issues

Often described as one of the architectural wonders of the world, the stunning 17th-century white marble Taj Mahal was built by the Mughal emperor, Shah Jahan, as a mausoleum for his beloved wife Mumtaz who died giving birth to their 14th child. Mumtaz was Shah Jahan’s third and favorite wife, and their love story is legendary. The Taj Mahal is a symbol of Indian love and marriage that is congenial to prescribed gender roles. Yet some historians believe Mumtaz wielded considerable political power and influence. She was not exactly a dutiful wife despite being pregnant all the time. Reportedly, she was an excellent chess player and was ambitious, if not ruthless. Apparently, imperial women in the Mughal period exercised significant political authority.

Hold that thought. (I will get back to the Taj Mahal.)

 
Indian Matchmaking on Netflix

Television comedies, dramas, and reality shows almost always contain stories about love, romance, and the challenges of finding a mate. I have always found narratives and situations that explicate evolutionary psychology and mate selection science in these shows. These past two weeks I found myself fascinated by the Netflix show Indian Matchmaking. This show demonstrates “assortative mating” through the lens of Indian culture.

Indian Matchmaking is a reality-based “confection” (filmed in pre-Covid, 2019) that tastes pretty good on the tip of the tongue as entertainment but has layers of after-taste that are disheartening about marriage-making in India and in the American desi community. Indian Matchmaking has more than a hint of satire and perhaps a political message of self-deprecation. It can be quite educational to American audiences who are mostly ignorant (like myself) of Indian culture, although critics caution that it is an incomplete view of modern Indians. Released on July 16, Indian Matchmaking was a top 10 Netflix series in the U.S. for weeks, and number one in India.

 

 What is Assortative Mating?

Assortative mating is the tendency to pursue and be attracted to someone who is similar in age, socio-economic status, educational attainment, geographic location, religion, physical appearance, and facial attractiveness. Assortative mating is the dominant force in the mating market around the world—with some unique cultural expressions, as we shall see.

 

What is Caste?

Caste is a form of social stratification characterized by hereditary status and the custom of marrying only within the limits of a local community, clan, or tribe (endogamy). Caste includes stratification by occupational status in a hierarchy and social exclusion based upon cultural notions of purity. Modern India’s caste system is based on colonial imposition on the four-fold system (Varna) found in ancient Hindu texts. There are five levels of caste if you also count the lowest group, the Dalits (untouchables). Scholars believe the Varna system was never truly operational in India society . The practical division of society has always been in terms of birth groups (Jatis) which are not based on any religious principle, but could vary from ethnic groups, to occupations, to geographical areas. However varied and amorphous in its application, caste remains as an idea of social stratification that is a function of hereditary status. (See below for thoughts about caste in the U.S. spurred by the just published, Caste: The Origins of Our Discontents, by Isabel Wilkerson.)

 

What is Colorism?

Colorism is the discrimination people face, usually within their own racial group(s) where lighter skin tones/complexions are seen as more desirable than darker skin tones. With this prejudice, people are treated differently based on the social implications and cultural meanings that are attached to skin color.

 

Mate Selection and Assortative Mating – Indian Style

Assortative mating is the utilitarian workings of a mating marketplace – to “buy, sell, and deal.” The objective is to get the best deal available in an ever-moving landscape (chessboard) of mating game dynamics. It is the musical chair you are in when both people decide to decide. Assortative mating is the conscious and unconscious sausage-making of finding a partner within the boundaries of a person’s mate value and opportunities in a mating pool.

A match-making show is based on the long-term mating strategy for both sexes – the search and intention to create a life-long pair bond. In Indian Matchmaking, the male short-term sexual strategy is nearly absent. While attraction is understood, sexual chemistry is barely implied or acknowledged.

 

An Interesting Variation

Assortative mating “Indian style” is an interesting variation. Here we see the usual assortative dynamics of the match-making process superseded by the requisites of the culture itself. Assortative mating means sorting by caste, socioeconomic standing, religion, (they all overlap), and parental preference. Indian Matchmaking uses short-cut phrasing such as “family background” to capture all of this.

 

Power of Parental Choice

What stands out with Indian match-making is the immense power of parental choice (especially the mother) and the need to join two families in a marriage partnership. This has a long tradition in human cultures, especially with the merging of families of power or royalty. The influence of a 3,000-year Indian caste system is veiled but literally shows its “colors” on Indian Matchmaking. And the conversation about caste generated in response has powerfully dove-tailed into the current “awakening” of race in America. More on that later.

 

Major Sociological Themes in Indian Matchmaking

Here is the panoply of themes to be found in this “playful” reality TV show:

  • Generational divide – old world vs. new, parent vs. child
  • Tradition and/or modernity
  • India vs. the wider diaspora in the U.S. and Canada
  • Agency of adult children vs. paternalism
  • Influence of caste and colorism (shadeism)
  • Class, religion, and ancestral region (“family background”)
  • Female equality and aspirations
  • Destiny, fate, and influence of cosmological forces
Major Themes of Mate Selection in Indian Matchmaking (see definitions below)
  • Assortative mating
  • Trait preferences in a long-term mating strategy
  •  Mate value (especially physical attractiveness and “family background”)
  • Mate value trajectory
  • Mating economy and marketplace
  • Mating Intelligence or lack thereof
  • Mating pool

Time and space do not permit me to cover all of the above themes, but if you watch the show (again), look for these themes to increase your interest.

 

“Caste” of Indian Matchmaking

Indian Matchmaking compares and contrasts match-making inside of India vs. the United States. Here are the main characters:

  • Sima (Mumbai): Professional matchmaker. Hindu. (F)
  • Aparna (Houston): Lawyer. Hindu. Sindhi. (F)
  • Pradhyuman (Mumbai): Jeweler. Hindu. Marwari. (M)
  • Akshay (Mumbai): Businessman. Hindu. (M)
  • Nadia (New Jersey): Event Planner. Hindu. Guyanese. (F)
  • Vyasar (Austin): H.S. Counselor. Hindu. Kshatriya. (M)
  • Ankita (Delhi): Businesswoman. Hindu. Baniya. (F)
  • Rupam (Denver): Divorced mom. Sikh. (F)
  • Richa (San Diego): Unknown. (F)
Trait Preferences – An Indian Long-term Mating Strategy

Indian Matchmaking reveals and verifies tenets of male sex appeal and female sex appeal from an evolutionary perspective. Female clients (and especially their parents) are looking for a tall, ambitious “boy” who must make as much or more money than the woman, if she is working. Male clients (and especially their parents) are looking for a relatively tall, pretty, fair-skinned “girl” who has a pleasing and “flexible” personality.

As writer Sonia Saraiya noted in Vanity Fair, “matchmaking quite literally regulates reproduction by determining the bounds of their descendant’s gene pool. It diminishes the individual’s personal choice in favor of the collective stability.”

 

“The Boys Just Want Pretty Girls”

Indian Matchmaking has been criticized (see below) for its portrayal of the criteria of physical attractiveness in choosing a mate. This preference is a cultural universal, but we actually see quite a bit of flexibility shown by the show’s hopeful clients. Less so by their parents.

Ankita is told by her parents and others that “boys just want pretty girls.” The show seems to view this as shallow or at least unfortunate. Ankita jokes that she would like to find someone who looks like David Beckham or the Indian film star, Abhay Deol. To her credit, Ankita knows this is a severe “mate value mismatch” given her own level of physical beauty. (Sima describes Ankita to a fellow matchmaker saying “she is not photogenic.”) Ironically, we see Ankita in Delhi working with gorgeous female models to display and sell her garments.

Overall, the show does not focus on “pretty girls” or handsome men. Vyasar finds his matches to be pleasing even though they are quite overweight. His second match, Rashi, admits in one scene that “it takes a lot to make this look good. Beauty is pain.” Vyasar seems to unconsciously know his own mate value given his financial resources and level of physical fitness.

 

Beauty as Cultural Universal

Human beings share universal, hard-wired preferences for physical traits that are pleasing to the eye — traits we find sexually attractive and aesthetically pleasing, or “beautiful.” Beauty is highly prized in prospective mates because it is a proxy for reproductive fitness and genetic strength. It is more than mere aesthetics. Beauty is nature’s shorthand for health and fertility, for reproductive capacity — visual cues that a woman or man has the potential to bestow good genes on future generations. Attraction and beauty are mostly inseparable from each other and from sexual selection generally.

“Beauty may be in the eyes of the beholder, but those eyes, and the minds behind the eyes, have been shaped by millions of years of human evolution.” (David Buss, The Evolution of Desire, p. 53)

Ideal Beauty is Rare

It is notable that Indian Matchmaking has only one example of “ideal” female beauty. Pradhyuman takes fashion model and actress, Rushali (former Miss Delhi), riding at a horse stable. When he first sees her bio-data picture, he asks Sima, “why have I not seen someone like this before? Now you are on the right track.”

 

Mate Value

Finding a “workable” match with the highest mate value is the job of the matchmaker. Sima knew intuitively who rated a “5” and who rated a “9” or “10”. While considering the client’s and family’s desire for everything on the criteria list (the “best deal”), she had to start with the basics – a match “sorted” by physical attractiveness/stature, socioeconomic class, and caste background. In business decision-making, it is known that some criteria are more important (weighted) than others. So it is with human mating. Attractiveness for the women has a criteria weight that is 2-5 times greater than her career. For the man, his career and financial security are rated 2-5 times more than his personality or his physical appearance. “Chemistry” or “clicking” cannot be predicted absolutely and is part of match-making magic, or destiny in its most benevolent form.

 

Mate Value Trajectory

Most of the mate value matching attempts were sorted correctly by Sima. But there were a couple of mismatches because of the influence of poor mate value trajectory – a criterion applied almost exclusively to men.

Vyasar is an affable, engaging, sensitive person with great communication skills and a penchant for over-sharing early in the process (certainly early if this was a normal dating environment). He is a high school counselor and no doubt has the weakest financial and family profile of any of the male clients. While it starts out promising, there seem to be a host of incompatibilities with his first match, Manisha, who is a Research Health Analyst in North Carolina. Manisha finally admits to the deal-breaker: Vyasar’s poor mate value trajectory and ambition. “You can be a nice person, but that is not going to pay the bills five years from now.” Sima acknowledges on camera that Manisha “did not find Vyasar’s earnings sufficient.”

Aparna is hard to please almost to the point of satire. Her mother not only wanted her to have three degrees but tells Sima that money is not secondary for her prospective mate; the man must not be less successful than her. We come to know the degree to which Aparna has been conditioned for achievement by her mother and has “inherited” her mother’s failed-marriage trauma. She sees her mother every day. Aparna has a good date (especially for her) with a guy named Srini. He is very affable and articulate, a public speaker and author of three books. But Srini admits to financial insecurity and lack of clarity about what happens next in his career. Aparna immediately glazes over. No trajectory. Srini is seen as a loser. Aparna jettisons him quicker than you can say “Bollywood.”

 

Mating Pool

The entire enterprise of match-making in desi communities is affected by a restricted dating pool. Aparna acknowledges this directly (she is, if nothing else, rational) referring to her age in the first episode: “At 34, there is not a huge pool for me.” The pool is even more restricted for Rupam who is divorced with a daughter. This is “two strikes” in any dating scenario, let alone a culture where divorce is historically frowned upon. Sima knows it will be tough to find her a match. Rupam ultimately finds another Sikh man on Bumble.

 

Mating Intelligence (MI)

Vyasar says he “does not know how to make romance.” Although he has preoccupations of a quintessential “beta male” (dungeons and dragons among them), he actually is quite romantic and has a fair amount of mating intelligence. But he does lack confidence – the most important MI trait for a man.

Akshay is quite deficient in MI. He has never really had a girlfriend and is probably a 25-year-old virgin. That apparently is a possibility even for a successful urban millennial male in India. One culture writer even ventured that Akshay is actually in love with his cousin Mansha, who gets quite a bit of screen time.

Sex?

It is worth noting (again) that sex and sexual experience is nearly absent on this show. The astrologer brings it up once, as does the life coach. It seems this topic is mostly “undiscussable.” One or two of the older, arranged-married couples playfully allude to sex.

Then there is Nadia and Vinay. She goes out with him six or seven times. What was their sexual connection? He “ghosts” her for dubious reasons, although that seems to be a source of ongoing debate, post-production. Nadia is the “full package.” She has an adorable personality, infectious laugh, and is very pretty. And she is Guyanese. Hmm. We are left to wonder about caste, but mostly in this case, about sexual chemistry inside the Indian match-making equation.

 

Female Equality, Agency, and Aspirations – Modernity Faces Paternalism

Anna Purna Kambhampaty reported (Time, July 24, 2020) that “approximately 90% of all Indian marriages [in India] are arranged. About 74% of Indians between the ages of 18 and 35 prefer it that way.” Yet, there are a few intersecting sociological issues revealed in Indian Matchmaking:

  • Tension between the traditions of older Indians and the desi community, versus the perspectives and needs of their more modern, adult children.
  • The apparent paternalism of the Indian family structure and its effect on the agency and choices of their adult children.
  • Equality, independence, and empowerment of Indian and desi women and how they navigate the expectations for marriage held by their families and community.
Go Ankita!

In Indian Matchmaking, Ankita holds the vision of female empowerment inside of India, but she also struggles to stay connected to her family. “Just because you are independent does not make you non-marriageable, or stubborn, or arrogant,” she says. “I do not need a man’s support.” And yet, Ankita still lives with her family in Delhi. Her father describes her as ahead of her time but later agrees with his wife that Ankita is rebellious.

Ankita has strong commitment to her career but wants a relationship, at least in the beginning of the show. She joked to friends about the match-making process: “This is like Tinder premium, but the family is involved. Families also have to swipe right.” Sima cautions, “things don’t work out without the guidance from the parents.”

 

Aspirations and Real Choice?

Indian women have aspirations but the match-making process and family involvement seem to mitigate against real choice. Sima says more than once, “in India nowadays, the boy and girl can refuse. They have full freedom.” Really? The language of paternalism is always present – the words “boy”, “girl”, and “auntie” (Sima).

An opening vignette of an older arranged-married couple complains that “girls are so independent; boys want their wife to be submissive.” Ironically, in most of these older couples the woman does most of the talking. One husband underscores a well-worn cliché: “happy wife, happy life.”

 

Overbearing is an Understatement

The archetypal overbearing Indian mother is Akshay’s mother, Preeti. Preeti says the “girl” must be flexible and adjust in order to join her family and her home. Under tremendous pressure from Preeti, Akshay almost marries the “Udaipur girl,” Radhika, who hardly said a word when they were together with the parents. However, when alone with Akshay, she said she wanted to be a working woman. Akshay thought he wanted a women who was also modern, but on this issue, he opined: “I don’t think she is enough like my mother.”

 

Negative but (mostly) Her Own Agent

Aparna was portrayed as “Ms. Negativity” with absolutely no intention to “improve” for any man. She famously said after one date: “It’s a big deal that I don’t hate him.” Sima retorts: “I think she has a block in her energy.” The astrologer said Aparna was “fickle-minded” and “rude in speech.” I found her redeemable and interesting. And she has had defenders (nearly all women) in the social media sphere. She too is seen as exhibiting female aspiration and agency in spades. Aparna has started a travel business as a side hustle called  My Golden Balloon, which should improve her outlook.

 

“Caste-ing” Aspersions – Indian-American (Women) Thought Leaders

Since its debut, Indian Matchmaking has drawn criticism from Indian and U.S. media for sidestepping issues of colorism, dowry, sexism, body shaming, and caste. The strongest voices have come from female writers in the desi community.

 

The Atlantic (Culture) — Yashica Dutt

Yashica Dutt, writing for The Atlantic, said “caste appears on almost every criteria list that the marriage hopefuls lay out. By coding cast in harmless phrases such as ‘similar background’, ‘shared communities’, and ‘respectable families’, the show does exactly what upper-caste Indian families tend to do when discussing this fraught subject: it makes caste invisible.”

“The caste system is an active form of discrimination that persists in India and within the Indian American diaspora.” Dutt criticized Indian Matchmaking for not portraying couples who identify as Muslim, Christian, or Dalit — communities that represent 40 percent of India’s 1 billion-plus population.

 

Sanjena Sathian — New York Times

Sanjena Sathian takes a hard look at the show’s idea of “adjustment” for brides-to-be.  “The show asks us to consider whether adjustment connotes open-mindedness or gender imbalance. The unsettling answer seems to be that it’s both.”

 

Sonia Saraiya — Vanity Fair

Sonia Saraiya reports that India’s National Family Health Survey (2005) found 37 percent of women in India had experienced some kind of physical or sexual abuse. She says women are often cut off from access to household funds. She says Indian marriages are frequently unhappy and unequal. On a personal note she concludes: “the price of belonging to an Indian culture is to leave some of your individuality behind – and for me at least, it was a price I was not willing to pay.”

 

Scaachi Koul — Buzz Feed News

Koul says the representation from Indian Matchmaking isn’t wrong, it’s’ just one version of the story. “These stories are always about middle-class, or outright rich people, Brahmin Hindus, the people who live in big cities like Mumbai and Delhi. I don’t feel burdened by my South Asian identity, by my family’s often archaic and frustrating rules, or by my big nose and consonant-heavy name. Rather, I feel burdened by the white supremacy that taught me not to go into the sun lest I get dark and by the sexism my father showed when he wanted me to get an arranged marriage.”

 

Mallika Rao – Vulture

“Hindus are largely casteist. Much of India, today, leans Hindu supremacist. Marriage is a business and a game, whether in India or America, and grotesque from many angles.”

 

In America: “Caste is the Bones, Race the Skin”

In her recently published book, Caste: the Origins of Our Discontents, Isabel Wilkerson asserts that the Indian system of caste hierarchy explains more about the racial divide in America than does the idea of race alone. “Race, in the United States, is the visible agent of the unseen force of caste. Caste is the bones, race the skin.” Reviewing the book in The New Yorker, Indian scholar Sunil Khilnani writes: “Underlying and predating racism, and holding white supremacy in place, is a system of social domination: a caste structure that uses neutral human differences, skin color among them, as the basis for ranking human value.” Wilkerson says a caste system tends to promote dehumanization and stigmatization of lower castes and a belief in the superiority of the dominant caste.

 

Revisiting the Taj Mahal

Indian Matchmaking did not start the discussion about caste but it has given it resonance. A cringe-worthy reality show on Netflix about choosing mates has played a part in getting our attention to face the human predilection for hierarchy and the way to get past it. Creator of the show, Smriti Mundhra, said she hoped the show “will spark a lot of conversation that all of us need to be having in the South Asian community with our families – that it’ll be a jumping-off point for reflections about the things we prioritize and the things we internalize.”

There does seem to be a convergence of new awareness in the mind of American and Indian viewers. Certainly, the conversation about caste in America is just beginning.

Endogenous marriage is not the worst societal outcome of the caste system, but there must be a sweet spot for South Asian women that includes modern expressions of power and influence, while also holding respect for traditional culture. Ankita is the heroine carrying the torch for modern womanhood, especially inside India. “It is time to be equal,” says Ankita.

Just ask Mumtaz Mahal. You know where to find her.

 

Appendix: Definitions relevant to Indian Matchmaking

Most of the definitions below come from the Terms & Definitions section of Matingstraighttalk.com.

cultural universals
Cultural universals are evolutionary processes of sexual selection and natural selection that appear with little variation in any and all human cultures, past or present. Known also as “human universals,” cultural universals are behavior traits that are universal across human populations.

desi
A person born or living in another country whose ancestry is from India, Pakistan, or Bangladesh.

diasporic community
A widely dispersed community as a result of a natural disaster, politics, etc. Diaspora – a dispersion of people from their original homeland or the community formed by those people.

long-term mating strategy
Mating strategy to attract a mate to ensure sexual access and fidelity (especially for men) and the provision of resources and protection of children over time (especial for women.) A long-term strategy is predominant for women and forms the basis of our ancient pair-bond and tendency toward a monogamous (albeit serial) human culture.

mating economy/marketplace
Interaction between mating strategies of men and women given their individual mate value, mating priorities, trade-offs, and conditions/sex ratio of the local mating environment. Subject to a “collision” between a woman’s long-term strategy and a man’s short-term mating strategy, the mating marketplace commonly “sorts” by similarities (see assortative mating).

mating intelligence
Entire set of universal cognitive processes (mating mechanisms) that underlie human mating psychology: assessing one’s mate value and the mate value of others, modifying one’s mating behavior as a function of ecological conditions, displaying one’s self in an attractive manner, assessing the mate relevant thoughts of a potential partner and discriminating dishonest mating signals from honest ones. Mating intelligence also includes (more recently in EP) individual differences in creativity (courtship display mechanisms) such as musical ability, artistic ability and sense of humor.

mating pool
Available, “suitable” mates (by standards of similarity; equal mate value or above) in the local, proximate physical environment and/or in the digital environment that can be reliably accessed.

mate value
Degree of attractiveness a person embodies as perceived by potential mates, relative to the local mating pool. Men with resources, status and larger physical attributes (height and v-torso) have greater mate value than men who are less successful and smaller. Women who are physically beautiful (signaling fertility) have greater mate value than average looking women. Creativity, humor, generosity, and intelligence also influence value attributions. Mate value rankings of 1-10 are in colloquial usage with moderate reliably and agreement. Mate value drives the initial mate selection process.

mate value mismatch
Usually a temporary condition of unsuccessful courtship behavior. When a person (most commonly a man) romantically pursues another person who has significantly higher mate value. A mating strategy that is strategically and evolutionarily unsustainable.

mate value trajectory
Assessment of future mate value, most commonly made by a woman about a man, given his socio-economic family background, education, career track, education, and traits of industriousness and ambition.

paternalism
The policy or practices by people in positions of authority that restrict the freedom and responsibilities of subordinates supposedly in the subordinate’s best interest.

short-term mating strategy
As an evolutionary adaptation, men’s short-term mating strategy seeks more immediate sexual access and variety of partners to garner genetic fecundity. Men’s short-term strategy is more predominant than men’s long-term strategy but the difference is less pronounced behaviorally in modern times. A woman’s short-term strategy seeks short-term mating in order to secure resources for survival and higher quality genes to pass on to potential offspring. A woman’s short-term strategy is decidedly less predominant than her long-term strategy.

Photo Credit: shalender kumar from Pixabay 

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Spontaneous and Response Desire – the Underbelly of Heterosexual Mating

Spontaneous and Response Desire – the Underbelly of Heterosexual Mating

by | Jun 16, 2020 | Biological Difference, Dating & Mating Economy, Relationship Issues, Sexuality

 

John met Sarah at a happy-hour event. She was surrounded by a group of men, but John got some eye contact from her and shared a quick introduction and small talk.  It was apparent she was not “with” any of these men, although each one was interested in her.  John was enamored by Sarah’s bright eyes, her smile, her gestures, her voice – by everything about her. He felt compelled (an urgency in his body) to get a moment with her as she walked toward the door to depart.  He gave her his card.  (He knew that was lame.) Of course, she did not call him.  He saw her weeks later at the same event.  He asked for her number and declared his interest.  She said she “was not dating right now.” John expressed understanding and acceptance. But he did not really understand if Sarah was just not into him or if this was actually a “bad time” (whatever that meant) for her.  John had done his part to initiate but did not know Sarah’s “situation” or what she was actually thinking and feeling.  And he never would.

What Are ‘Spontaneous’ and ‘Response’ Desire?

“Spontaneous” and “response” desire are research terms related to the sexual psychology of men and women.  They reflect behavioral expressions of biological sex differences (hormones and brain), evolutionary mating strategies, sex “drive” differences, differences in sexual “context” setting, and functioning of the modern-day dating and mating economy.

When the spontaneous desire of men encounters the response desire of women, misunderstanding and frustration may ensue.  This blog explores research on sexual desire by Emily Nagoski* (Come As You Are, 2015) and is a companion to the blog post “Is Your Sexual Foot on The Accelerator or Brake?”   I will address issues of spontaneous vs. response desire related to long-term committed partners and supply and demand in the mating economy for initial mate selection and briefly return to John and Sarah before concluding.  But first, let’s revisit some of the science.

Sexual Excitation System (SES) and Sexual Inhibition System (SIS)

Emily Nagoski suggests both men and women have an excitation system (accelerator) and inhibition system (brake) for sexual activity.   She calls this the “dual control model.”  Think of this dual control as biological mechanisms for approach and avoidance.

Men Operate From Their Accelerator

Men operate primarily from their accelerator, or sexual excitation system (SES), constantly scanning the environment for anything sexually relevant.  The SES turns-on with anything a man sees (especially), hears, smells, tastes, or imagines.  The SES operates proactively — it approaches, pursues, and initiates spontaneously.

Women Are “Brake” Dominant

 The inhibition system or brake (SIS), in contrast to the SES, notices all potential threats in the environment and sends a signal to turn-off.  It is associated with fear of consequences and self-consciousness.  Women are decidedly SIS-dominant.  They respond to sexual opportunities only in the right context and when safety is assured.  They are quite content to rest in a cautious or neutral zone until the right stimulus is presented.  Out of sight, out of mind is the default position of response desire.

Spontaneous Desire is the Signature Feature of the Male Sex Drive

“Spontaneous desire” happens when the SES is fully activated.  The SES fuels spontaneous sexual pursuit with a sense of urgency and eagerness.   Male sexuality is “accelerator-dominant” and spontaneous by nature; it reacts, more than women, to sexually relevant stimuli independent of context and more commonly initiates.  Spontaneous desire is the signature feature of the male sex drive, fueled by testosterone and brain structures.  (See future blogs for further discussion of sex drive, sexual thoughts, and fantasies.)

When Arousal Meets a Great Context

“Response desire” occurs when one is willing to receive sexual interest although not initially feeling desire or sexual arousal.  The SES accelerator system is quiet; the SIS braking system is alert but not overly triggered. With sufficient sexual stimuli and appropriate context, response desire allows one (usually a woman) to move from a place of neutrality to being aroused and desirous of a sexual connection.   Because women are more “brake-dominant” in their sexual response, their desire more likely happens, in Nagoski’s words, “when [physiological] arousal meets a great context.”  For many women, subjective desire comes after physiological arousal, not before.  Rosemary Basson (author and Director of the University of British Columbia Sexual Medicine Program) says for many women, desire is not the cause of love-making, but rather the result.

Eighty-Five Percent of Women Are Response-Desire Dominant

According to Nagoski, 30 percent of women never experience spontaneous desire for sex, while 75 percent of men mostly experience spontaneous desire.   She says 55 percent of women experience a relative combination of spontaneous and response desire but ultimately concludes (Come As You Are, p. 307) that 85 percent of women are response-desire dominant.

Context Is Everything for Women

Nagoski says context for women is made of two things:  

1) the circumstances of the present moment – whom you are with, where you are, whether the situation is novel or familiar, risky or safe, and

2) a woman’s brain state in the present moment:  whether she is relaxed or stressed, trusting or not, loving or not, at that moment. 

“The evidence is mounting that women’s sexual response is more sensitive than men’s to context, including mood and relationship factors, and women vary more from each other in how much such factors influence their sexual response.”  (Come As You Are, p.  75).  For women, a great context can create subjective arousal; a bad context can prevent it entirely.

Desire Patterns in Long-term Relationships

The “collision” or “collaboration” of these two desire patterns can create interesting challenges in heterosexual sexual relating, especially in sustaining desire in long-term monogamous relationships.

For maintaining mutual desire in a long-term monogamous relationship, Esther Perel, (author of Mating in Captivity and leading expert in couple’s psychotherapy) recommends developing autonomy “inside of” the relationship in order to create a space for “wanting” what you don’t have.   John Gottman, in contrast, recommends (The Science of Trust) deepening intimacy as a doorway to the erotic life in a long-term monogamous relationship.   Perel says “build a bridge to cross” fueled by “wanting” and Gottman says “build a bridge together” fueled by “having.”

Increase Activation of Accelerator and Decrease Activation of the Brake

Nagoski says either of these strategies may accomplish the same overall goal:  increasing activation of the accelerator and decreasing activation of the brake.  The goal of both approaches is to sustain curiosity.  Perel suggests we sustain curiosity about our partner when we view them from a distance.  Gottman suggests we sustain curiosity about the nature of pleasure in the context of commitment.

Take Control of the Context

It is clear that passion does not happen automatically in a long-term relationship. But passion can happen if the couple takes deliberate control of their context.  Neither the strategy of distance nor the strategy of deepening intimacy by itself will nullify the foundational, biological difference between spontaneous male desire and response-oriented female desire.

Spontaneous and Response Desire in the Brain

Differences in brain structure between men and women relate to the spontaneous and response desire systems.  Men, in general, have a higher baseline of activity in the older part of the brain, the limbic system, which makes them particularly alert during the first stage of seduction, according to the renowned physician and author, Marianne Legato (Why Men Die First).

Area of Sexual Pursuit is 2.5 Times Larger In Males

The medial preoptic area (MPOA), found in the hypothalamus, is related to sexual pursuit and is 2.5 times larger in males, according to neuropsychiatrist, Louann Brizendine (The Male Brain).  Men also show greater activity in the visual cortex when perceiving erotic pictures, reflecting a gender-specific visual mechanism for sexual selection.

Female Amygdala and Cautious Sexual Response

The brain’s danger and alert system is the amygdala.  While larger in males, the female amygdala seems to be more sensitive to the fear of consequences, modulating a more cautious sexual response.

Fear of Punishment and Sexual Anxiety in the Female Brain

Another part of the brain, the anterior cingulate cortex (ACC), creates a more response-dominant neurological foundation for women.  According to Brizendine, the ACC is the worrywart, fear-of-punishment area, and center of sexual performance anxiety.  It weighs options, detects conflicts, and motivates decisions.  The ACC is also the area for self-consciousness; the ACC is bigger in women.

Spontaneous and Response Desire is Predicted in Human Mating

The difference in male and female desire patterns is extremely relevant to the operation of the dating and mating economy.  Spontaneous desire and response desire are aligned with the short-term mating strategy of men, the long-term mating strategy of women (respectively), and the biological foundation of the sexual accelerator and brake.   Spontaneous desire for men and response desire for women are predicted by human mating strategies as defined in the fields of evolutionary psychology and biological science.

A man’s short-term mating strategy fuels desire for contact with women for any possible chance of a romantic or sexual encounter.   A women’s long-term strategy creates caution and selectivity in accepting male advances.  The reasons for this evolutionary adaptation are central tenets of mate selection science.   (See Human Mating Strategies and What is Mate Selection Science? pages.)

Supply and Demand of Spontaneous and Response Desire

Men (mostly) sell.  Women (mostly) buy.  In the human mating economy, the buyer (female chooser) significantly controls the marketplace; men spontaneously pursue, women respond when ready.  The difference between buyer and seller in the sexual marketplace determines motivation, behavior, and the experience of sexual scarcity or abundance.

Sex is (Relatively) an Abundant Resource for Women

Sex for most women (during their fertile years) is an abundant resource; it is not in short supply.  It is a need (subject to self-imposed selection preferences) that can almost always be met.  Therefore, there is no need to attend to it (out of sight, out of mind).  There is no need to respond to any particular man if conditions are not perfect and that man is not preferred (in that moment) over other men available in her dating pool.   At another moment in time, Sarah might respond to John. 

Conclusion

Sexual relating between men and women often hinges on the “dance” between spontaneous desire and response desire – the “undercurrents” of strategy and preference in dating and mating.   Desire patterns are biologically based with evolutionary roots (human mating adaptations for reproduction and survival of children).  Understanding sex differences in spontaneous and response desire is a pathway for awareness, empathy, and behavior change that will improve heterosexual relationships.

Notes

Emily Nagoski is the former Director of Wellness Education at Smith College where she taught Women’s Sexuality.  She is a respected author and expert in the field of sexuality — writing, speaking, and training internationally.

If you are tracking along with these blogs (in addition to reading pages on the main menus!), you will notice I have cited (so far) male-female differences related to:

  • subjective vs. physiological arousal,
  • sexual excitation vs. inhibition,
  • spontaneous vs. response desire,
  • sex “drive,” 
  • influence of situational context, and
  • overall mating strategies.

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Sexual Non-concordance: Recipe for Relationship Confusion

Sexual Non-concordance: Recipe for Relationship Confusion

by | May 19, 2020 | Dating & Mating Economy, Relationship Issues, Sexuality

As a man, have you tried to make love to a woman that “seemed” turned-on but actually was not?

As a woman, have you endured sexual contact you did not want even though the man was convinced your body signaled otherwise?

As a man, have you ever hesitated to escalate sexual activity because the woman’s body was not giving you the green light?

As a woman, have you ever been frustrated that a man was sexually tepid, cautious, or lost interest because your body did not respond to him, even though you were very ready for sex?

Men and Women Are Different – the Science of Non-Concordance

Men and women are quite different in the degree of alignment (“concordance”) between their subjective sexual desire and physiological sexual arousal. According to preeminent sex educator and author Emily Nagoski (Come as You Are, 2015) and other researchers, women have very random or little concordance (10%) between their physical sexual arousal and psychological sexual desire. A woman may be lubricated or have genital vasocongestion and not be psychologically turned-on. Conversely, a woman who is not lubricated may actually be subjectively in a state of desire.

The prevalence of female sexual non-concordance can cause immense confusion in sexual interactions, especially for male partners. Consent cannot be inferred or ruled out by the evidence of physiological arousal or lack thereof.

Two Systems

Non-concordance is about the relationship between the peripheral system, the genitals, and the central system, the brain: they are two separate but interconnected systems. The relationship between these two systems is different for women and men. For women, the two systems are not necessarily in sync; for men, they mostly are. Men are indeed more simple in this regard — more transparent and obvious in their sexual interest and intent.

Nagoski’s research is primarily focused on exploring, explaining, and normalizing female non-concordance — an overlap of subjective arousal and physiological arousal of only ten percent. But she asserts that men have 50% concordance (overlap) between their physical arousal and psychological desire. Anecdotal evidence (there is less research on men) reveals male concordance closer to 80%, rather than 50%. 

Male Sexual Non-concordance?

When a man gets an erection during sleep (nocturnal penile tumescence – NPT) or wakes up with an erection (a common phenomenon that decreases with age), it is likely the result of daily fluctuations in testosterone levels, says neuroscientist, Louann Brizendine. These erections are different from true sexual arousal because they originate from testosterone receptors that live on nerve cells in a man’s spinal cord, testicles, penis, and brain. NPT (“morning wood”) is not related to sexual thoughts, dreams, or stimulation.  It is the result of the sleep cycle, combined with healthy nerves and blood flow.

If a man has a regular day-time erection (as opposed to NPT), it is nearly guaranteed that he is psychologically turned-on by some sexually relevant stimulus. A female partner would not likely be confused about the presence of a sexual context or his level of interest and consent. Conversely, a man without an erection is not subjectively turned-on in most cases. His body and subjective experience are concordant; they are in agreement. When a man experiences erectile dysfunction (ED) caused by actual vascular problems, it may be possible that subjective desire is present. Although the overlay of stress and anxiety about ED will likely impede the experience of desire.

Female Sexual Non-concordance – Tricky Relationship Dynamics

According to Nagoski, female genital response (what she calls expecting) does not equate with being subjectively “turned on.” Again, there can be physiological arousal with vasocongestion (blood flow and swelling) of the genitals and/or lubrication of the vagina, and yet the woman does not experience psychological desire.

Nagoski says this genital response is a conditioned reflex. Blood flow to the genitals indicates the woman has been exposed to something the brain interprets as sexually relevant, with no “opinion” about whether she liked whatever or whoever was present at the time.

“Lubrication Error” #1 – False Positive

With this “error”, the woman’s body is responding positively (physiological arousal and “expecting”) but she is not turned on. She is not in a state of desiring or wanting. “My body is aroused and expecting, but I am not enjoying it.”

This can cause immense confusion for men about a woman’s interest and consent for sexual activity, especially if she has acted with sexual interest in the past or in that present moment.

Nagoski uses the movie Fifty Shades of Gray as an example of this: Anastasia did not like the spanking she got from Gray. She felt demeaned, debased, and abused. But Grey inserts his finger in her vagina and apparently feels lubrication – so as to convince her that she liked it. Nagoski asserts that was a big error in reading sexual signals in that encounter (as opposed to other scenes in the movie). Lubrication means it was sexually relevant, not that is was sexually appealing.

Obviously, this error in understanding a woman’s actual consent has immense relevance to the incidence and prosecution of sexual assault and rape.

Nagoski: “Bodies do not say yes or no, they only say, “that’s sexually relevant, without any comment on whether it was appealing, much less whether it is wanted.” A penis in a vagina is sexually relevant, though it may be unappealing, unwanted, and unwelcome. There is no wanting necessary for a genital response.”

“Lubrication Error” #2 – False Negative

Genital non-response also does not indicate a lack of enjoyment!

“My body is not responding, is seeming not aroused, but I am actually enjoying it. I want you to proceed without delay!” Subjectively the woman is in a state of desire. There is no arousal, “expecting,” or lubrication, and yet there is wanting. This error is most common for post-menopausal women.

While this error does not create a violation of consent, it does create immense frustration for both partners. The man is getting no signs of wetness. She is likely to get frustrated at his lack of assertion or insertion. Inextricably linked to her own turn-on, she wants to be wanted by him. He is second-guessing himself and loses his sense of potency and self-confidence. He does not know how to please her and he no longer knows how to please himself, even if, ironically, that is actually what she wants from him. (I have been there.)

How to Prevent Errors of Sexual Non-concordance (Miscommunication)?

Nagoski has little to recommend to women to better understand a man’s intent and readiness because that is not a common problem. For men, her recommendation (in a woman’s voice) is simple: “What my genitals are doing doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with how I feel. Thirty years of research confirms this. So please pay attention to my words, not my vagina.”

The void created by the failure to communicate is soon filled with poison, drivel, and misrepresentation. ~ C. Northcote Parkinson.

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Mate Switching Hypothesis

Mate Switching Hypothesis

by | May 5, 2020 | Dating & Mating Economy

Revisiting Female Short-term Mating Strategy & Infidelity

Why do women cheat on their partners?

A long-standing hypothesis in evolutionary psychology asserted that women seek extra-pair copulations (infidelity) in order to secure resources from another man or acquire good genes from him for potential offspring.

But do women really seek better genes from another man?  That part of the female “short-term mating strategy” has come into question.

New Statistics for Non-paternity

New data from DNA fingerprinting technology suggests only 2-3% of children come from men other than the husband or primary partner.  It appears women get genes and investment from exactly the same guy — their primary partner.

While the female short-term mating strategy may still feature acquisition of additional resources, there are other clues to explain the infidelity of women as reported by evolutionary psychologist David Buss.

Buss cites these clues:
  1. Women who are sexually or emotionally unhappy have affairs.
    This is not true for men. Men do not often report marital unhappiness as a reason for an affair. According to Buss, men can be relatively happy in their marriage and still have affairs. There is no difference in marital or sexual happiness between men who have affairs and men who do not. The issue of emotional dissatisfaction appears to be specific to women.
  2. 70% of women become emotionally involved with or fall in love with their affair partner.
    In contrast, only about 30% of men do.
  3. The qualities desired by women in an affair partner are identical, or nearly identical, to qualities desired in a long-term mate.
    This is not true for men. For example, women usually want intelligence in an affair partner. For men, intelligence in an affair partner is mostly irrelevant.

Desiring the same qualities in an affair partner further supports the view that the female long-term mating strategy is significantly more adaptive in evolution than the short-term mating strategy.  (See background notes below.)

So, what may be driving a woman to have an affair?

New research posits a different matrix of motivations, called the “mate switching hypothesis.”  Women have affairs, in part, to switch mates.

Preparing for “the Switch” — Partner Insurance

David Buss and Cindy Meston report (Why Women Have Sex) that women have affairs to test the waters to see if there is someone better out there for them, to attempt to “trade-up” for a better partner.  Women have affairs if they think their relationship may be dissolving.  And women cultivate “back-up mates.”  As Buss likes to joke in quoting a female research participant, “men are like soup; you always want to have some on the back burner.”  (See page: Why Women Have Sex.)

Nicole Wedberg’s research on heterosexual women while at SUNY New Paltz called this “partner insurance” – the cultivation of a back-up boyfriend, or “Mr. Plan B.”  Wedberg found that 20% of women in committed relationships will report having a Mr. Plan B.  One of the predictors included low relationship satisfaction.  Wedberg builds on the work of Dibble et al (2015) that found college women have on average 3.78 Plan Bs.*

Returning to Clue #1

Women unhappy in their current relationship may cheat in order to feel alive and expand their sense of self, says Esther Perel in State of Affairs.   Affairs are seen as acts of rebellion or bursts of freedom that release constraints. In Perel’s words, an emotionally dissatisfied woman “is not looking for another person as much as looking for another self.”  Yet, another person who demonstrates a desire for a woman is a powerful new elixir for self-esteem.  Affairs magnify the difference between being loved and being wanted.

Even in a search for a “new self,” the motivation to switch mates is easily triggered if there is sexual and emotional unhappiness.  Female choice in mate selection is the most powerful force on the planet.  What on the stove?  Partner insurance.  Tasty and willing Mr. Plan B.  Soups on.  Make the switch?

Post-script and Background Notes

The predominant theory in evolutionary psychology suggests humans have both long-term and short-term mating strategies that operate as concurrent functions sensitive to context and environmental conditions.

Women’s long-term mating strategy is a more predominant evolutionary adaptation than is their short-term strategy; it is driven by genetic characteristics and interests of our species: internal fertilization, an extended period of gestation, prolonged infant dependence on mother’s milk, and the need for relatively “high” male parental investment (compared to other primates).   A woman’s long-term strategy seeks protection and a provision of resources from a mate.  It also seeks character traits that ensure stability and loyalty to her and her children over the long-term.

As an evolutionary adaptation, men’s short-term mating strategy seeks more immediate sexual access to a variety of partners.  This view has not changed among evolutionary psychologists.  Research clearly supports the view that men seek more sexual partners than women.

Tension Between Preference for Resources and Character

This blog post reconsiders and updates the “dual hypothesis” for the female short-term mating strategy: seeking resources and/or genes from a partner other than the primary partner.

But what is more salient in mate selection and relationship satisfaction is the tension between two preferences INSIDE the female long-term strategy:  resources and character.   Resources and character are often dueling, competing preferences that necessitate trade-offs and compromise for most women in choosing a mate.

We know that men still commit infidelity more than women, although women seem to be closing the gap in modern times.  The reasons for this run a gamut of psychological, sociological, cultural, and economic issues.  Switching mates appears to be one adaptive strategy in response to the changing rules of heterosexual partnership.

*Dibble, et al (2015, June 11).  Simmering on the back burner:  communication with and disclosure of relationship alternatives.   Communication Quarterly, 63(3), 329-344.

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