As a man, have you tried to make love to a woman that “seemed” turned-on but actually was not?

As a woman, have you endured sexual contact you did not want even though the man was convinced your body signaled otherwise?

As a man, have you ever hesitated to escalate sexual activity because the woman’s body was not giving you the green light?

As a woman, have you ever been frustrated that a man was sexually tepid, cautious, or lost interest because your body did not respond to him, even though you were very ready for sex?

Men and Women Are Different – the Science of Non-Concordance

Men and women are quite different in the degree of alignment (“concordance”) between their subjective sexual desire and physiological sexual arousal. According to preeminent sex educator and author Emily Nagoski (Come as You Are, 2015) and other researchers, women have very random or little concordance (10%) between their physical sexual arousal and psychological sexual desire. A woman may be lubricated or have genital vasocongestion and not be psychologically turned-on. Conversely, a woman who is not lubricated may actually be subjectively in a state of desire.

The prevalence of female sexual non-concordance can cause immense confusion in sexual interactions, especially for male partners. Consent cannot be inferred or ruled out by the evidence of physiological arousal or lack thereof.

Two Systems

Non-concordance is about the relationship between the peripheral system, the genitals, and the central system, the brain: they are two separate but interconnected systems. The relationship between these two systems is different for women and men. For women, the two systems are not necessarily in sync; for men, they mostly are. Men are indeed more simple in this regard — more transparent and obvious in their sexual interest and intent.

Nagoski’s research is primarily focused on exploring, explaining, and normalizing female non-concordance — an overlap of subjective arousal and physiological arousal of only ten percent. But she asserts that men have 50% concordance (overlap) between their physical arousal and psychological desire. Anecdotal evidence (there is less research on men) reveals male concordance closer to 80%, rather than 50%. 

Male Sexual Non-concordance?

When a man gets an erection during sleep (nocturnal penile tumescence – NPT) or wakes up with an erection (a common phenomenon that decreases with age), it is likely the result of daily fluctuations in testosterone levels, says neuroscientist, Louann Brizendine. These erections are different from true sexual arousal because they originate from testosterone receptors that live on nerve cells in a man’s spinal cord, testicles, penis, and brain. NPT (“morning wood”) is not related to sexual thoughts, dreams, or stimulation.  It is the result of the sleep cycle, combined with healthy nerves and blood flow.

If a man has a regular day-time erection (as opposed to NPT), it is nearly guaranteed that he is psychologically turned-on by some sexually relevant stimulus. A female partner would not likely be confused about the presence of a sexual context or his level of interest and consent. Conversely, a man without an erection is not subjectively turned-on in most cases. His body and subjective experience are concordant; they are in agreement. When a man experiences erectile dysfunction (ED) caused by actual vascular problems, it may be possible that subjective desire is present. Although the overlay of stress and anxiety about ED will likely impede the experience of desire.

Female Sexual Non-concordance – Tricky Relationship Dynamics

According to Nagoski, female genital response (what she calls expecting) does not equate with being subjectively “turned on.” Again, there can be physiological arousal with vasocongestion (blood flow and swelling) of the genitals and/or lubrication of the vagina, and yet the woman does not experience psychological desire.

Nagoski says this genital response is a conditioned reflex. Blood flow to the genitals indicates the woman has been exposed to something the brain interprets as sexually relevant, with no “opinion” about whether she liked whatever or whoever was present at the time.

“Lubrication Error” #1 – False Positive

With this “error”, the woman’s body is responding positively (physiological arousal and “expecting”) but she is not turned on. She is not in a state of desiring or wanting. “My body is aroused and expecting, but I am not enjoying it.”

This can cause immense confusion for men about a woman’s interest and consent for sexual activity, especially if she has acted with sexual interest in the past or in that present moment.

Nagoski uses the movie Fifty Shades of Gray as an example of this: Anastasia did not like the spanking she got from Gray. She felt demeaned, debased, and abused. But Grey inserts his finger in her vagina and apparently feels lubrication – so as to convince her that she liked it. Nagoski asserts that was a big error in reading sexual signals in that encounter (as opposed to other scenes in the movie). Lubrication means it was sexually relevant, not that is was sexually appealing.

Obviously, this error in understanding a woman’s actual consent has immense relevance to the incidence and prosecution of sexual assault and rape.

Nagoski: “Bodies do not say yes or no, they only say, “that’s sexually relevant, without any comment on whether it was appealing, much less whether it is wanted.” A penis in a vagina is sexually relevant, though it may be unappealing, unwanted, and unwelcome. There is no wanting necessary for a genital response.”

“Lubrication Error” #2 – False Negative

Genital non-response also does not indicate a lack of enjoyment!

“My body is not responding, is seeming not aroused, but I am actually enjoying it. I want you to proceed without delay!” Subjectively the woman is in a state of desire. There is no arousal, “expecting,” or lubrication, and yet there is wanting. This error is most common for post-menopausal women.

While this error does not create a violation of consent, it does create immense frustration for both partners. The man is getting no signs of wetness. She is likely to get frustrated at his lack of assertion or insertion. Inextricably linked to her own turn-on, she wants to be wanted by him. He is second-guessing himself and loses his sense of potency and self-confidence. He does not know how to please her and he no longer knows how to please himself, even if, ironically, that is actually what she wants from him. (I have been there.)

How to Prevent Errors of Sexual Non-concordance (Miscommunication)?

Nagoski has little to recommend to women to better understand a man’s intent and readiness because that is not a common problem. For men, her recommendation (in a woman’s voice) is simple: “What my genitals are doing doesn’t necessarily have anything to do with how I feel. Thirty years of research confirms this. So please pay attention to my words, not my vagina.”

The void created by the failure to communicate is soon filled with poison, drivel, and misrepresentation. ~ C. Northcote Parkinson.

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