It was the way you laughed….I knew I wanted that in my life. ~ R.M. Drake

Humor is valued for mates worldwide.  There is abundant cross-cultural evidence that being funny makes you more desirable as a mate, especially if you are a man.  Humor production by men signals creativity, playfulness, mental health, potential generosity, intelligence, and genetic fitness.  During courtship, men produce humor to attract women. 

For courtship and mate selection, women prefer men who make them laugh and men like women who laugh at their jokes.  Women want a humor “generator.”  Men want a humor “appreciator.”  But once the initial flirting and choosing are over and you are in an ongoing romantic relationship, how large a role does humor play?

Laughter as Medicine in Human Relating

Humor in ongoing relationships rests on a foundation of general benefits to human beings. In addition to being a  “signal device” for mate selection,  humor and laughter have a two-fold purpose:

1. Physical benefits: laughter releases endorphins (“feel-good” neurotransmitters), boosts immunity, relaxes muscles, aids circulation, increases oxygen to the brain, lowers anxiety, and protects against heart disease.  (After his heart attack, Norman Cousins purportedly extended his life ten years by watching the antics of the Marx Brothers.)

2. Emotional benefits: laughter bonds people through prosocial behavior and is remarkably contagious as a distinguishing feature among human beings.  Robert Provine, Ph.D., University of Maryland, says laughter is more about relationships than humor.

Humor in Established Relationships 

When it comes to long-term relationships and marriage, both men and women may be equally motivated to be funny.  Humor on the part of both partners affects the quality of their relationship.  

Soothing Each Other vs. Winning a Mate

There is a difference between winning a mate and keeping a mate.  As a relationship develops, humor becomes more about soothing each other and less about winning each other.  The typical sex roles in humor tend to reverse. 

Humor Styles in Relationships

Humor researcher Rod Martin developed the widely-used Humor Styles Questionnaire to assess how people use humor in their daily life.  This assessment identifies four humor styles:

1. Affiliative humor: the tendency to share humor with others, tell jokes and funny stories, make others laugh, and use humor to facilitate relationships and put others at ease.

2. Self-enhancing humor: the tendency to maintain a humorous outlook on life even when alone and use humor to cope with stress and “cheer-up” oneself.

3. Aggressive humor: the tendency to use humor to disparage, put down, or manipulate others; use ridicule, offensive humor; potentially use sexist or racist jokes.

4. Self-defeating humor:  the tendency to amuse others at one’s own expense, self-disparaging humor; laughing along with others when being ridiculed or teased; using humor to hide one’s true feelings from self and others.

Affiliative Humor is Satisfying

Martin and research colleagues recorded couples having live conversations and found that affiliative humor was associated with relationship satisfaction, whereas aggressive humor was related to relationship dissatisfaction.

Humor Diffuses Conflict in Married Couples

Relationship expert John Gottman found that when humor plays a role in diffusing tension and conflict, marriages tend to last longer. Additional studies show that people who joke with their spouses in everyday situations tend to be happier in their marriage than couples who don’t.

A playful and humorous frame of mind (“self-enhancing” style) is protective, even when spouses disagree about what they find funny.

Male Humor During Stress May Be Harmful

Psychologists Thomas Bradbury of the University of California, Los Angeles and Catherine Cohan of Pennsylvania State University analyzed the marriages of 60 couples over 18 months.  They found the use of humor by men during the time of significant life stressors, such as job loss or a death in the family, was associated with adverse relationship outcomes. According to Bradbury and Cohan, when the man used humor during times of stress, couples experienced a greater incidence of divorce and separation than couples in which the woman reverted to humor under such circumstances.  They speculated that the more aggressive humor of males might be inappropriate in stressful situations. 

Humor to Calm the Husband

In a similar study with 130 married couples, a wife’s use of humor predicted greater marital stability over six years, but only if the humor led to a decrease in the husband’s heart rate.   If humor calms husbands, then it might be beneficial to marriages.   Perhaps the more soothing style of female humor serves to better bond partners during these times.   

Sex Difference in Use of Humor

These two studies show the disparate function of humor for men and women. For men, humor might serve as a way to distract from dealing with problems in the relationship, perhaps in an attempt to reduce their anxiety. On the other hand, women may use humor to create a more relaxed atmosphere that can facilitate reconciliation.

It appears male humor is better designed to win attention and affection, while female humor is better designed to maintain affection.

Humorous Partner Remains More Important to Women

In a study conducted with 3,000 married couples from five countries (United States, United Kingdom, China, Turkey, and Russia), both husbands and wives were happier with a humorous partner.  Still, this trait was reported to be more important for the marital satisfaction of the wives than the husbands.  (Thus, male humor remains important to women after courtship and mate selection.)   Interestingly, both husbands and wives thought that the husband was humorous more often.  Married couples overwhelmingly say that humor has a positive impact on their marriages.  This study also found that couples with fewer children laugh more than couples with a larger number of children.  

Men Who Enjoy Women’s Humor May Be More Secure

To say that men don’t seek a funny mate is “painting with a broad brush,” says Don Nilsen, a linguistics professor at Arizona State University and humor expert.  Nilsen argues that men who appreciate their female partner’s humor are usually more secure, mature, and educated than the average guy. They hold their mates in high esteem and aren’t intimidated.  A woman would do well to find a man who enjoys her humor, says Nilsen, because that’s an indication of his own self-esteem and willingness to be supportive.

Fear, Joy, and the Pleasure of Ridiculing Others

Researchers Kay Brauer and René T. Proyer studied 154 heterosexual couples and identified three traits around humor that predict both positive and negative outcomes for relationship satisfaction:

1. Fear of being laughed at (gelotophobia)

2. Joy of being laughed at (gelotophilia) 

3. Pleasure derived from laughing or ridiculing others (katagelasticism).

Joy of Being Laughed At Can Be Positive

As reported in the Journal of Research in Personality (2018), Brauer and Proyer found that women who liked being teased (gelotophilia) showed greater fascination, appreciation, and sense of togetherness with their male partners.  Brauer and Proyer argue that women enjoy playfulness from men if it is not ridiculing; it is seen as an indicator of lower aggression. 

But Teasing is Not Good for Gelotophobes

People who don’t enjoy being teased don’t thrive among those who are “funny” by nature. They (gelotophobes) tend to distrust “lightness or silliness,” says Proyer, making them prone to disagreements with their partners based on misunderstandings and misinterpretations.  Proyer advises gelotophobes to date people with similar personalities while also trying to build up “more positive experiences with laughter.” 

Sexual Satisfaction and Humor Traits

Bauer and Proyer also reported that male partners were less satisfied with their sex life if their partner was afraid of being laughed at.  Apparently their partner’s insecurities make them less appealing. In contrast, women who loved being laughed at were more attracted to and enjoyed higher sexual satisfaction with their partner.

Pair Up With a Similar Comedic Sensibility

Fundamentally, Proyer suggests it may be best if people pair up with those who have a similar comedic sensibility. If they are aligned, no matter how funny or somber they are, they’re more likely to have a workable relationship.

What Does Sense of Humor Mean?

When people say that they want to be with someone who has a sense of humor, they don’t necessarily mean someone who laughs at the same things. They mean someone who has a positive attitude and can see good where others might tend to see the negative, complain or feel overwhelmed.  They want someone with a “self-enhancing” style.

Being Attracted to the Same Type of Humor is a Bonus

Although not a deal-breaker, relationships may be enhanced if partners are attracted to the same kinds of humor.

We found that married couples who shared a similar style of humor tended to have happier and more successful relationships in their first few years of marriage.  ~ Study by eharmony 

Types of Humor – Which Ones Do You Share With Your Partner?

According to research by the dating site eharmony and a comedy training offered online (Udemy) by Phillipe Schaffer, there are approximately 12 types of humor.  They are not mutually exclusive; they often present in combination.  What do you and your partner find funny?  

The Not-So-Dirty Funny Dozen

1. Physical humor:
Also referred to as slapstick, this type of humor involves physicality – from clowns to mimes to funny facial expressions to someone falling over.

2. Self-deprecating humor:
This type is a favorite among stand-up comedians; making yourself the butt of a joke.

3. Surreal humor:

This humor is weird, with illogical events, absurd situations, or nonsensical themes. Or just plain silly.  It may include a non-sequitur (inference that does follow logically).

 4. Improvisational humor:

This is comedy without a plan — jokes made up on the spot. 

 5. Wit-Wordplay humor:

This type of humor uses a play on words — twisting language around with humorous results.  Puns are a typical example of wordplay.

 6. Satire:

Satire uses irony, sarcasm, and caricature to highlight real-life vices and flaws.    (Irony is saying something and meaning the opposite; or an outcome that is the opposite of what is expected.)

5. Parody:

Parody humor mocks something through imitation and may use elements of satire (such as sarcasm and irony). 

6. Topical humor:
Topical humor is based on current events or trends (Saturday Night Live, especially Weekend Update).  Most sketch comedy shows or late-night talk shows are topical. 

7. Observational humor:
This humor pokes fun at everyday life.   Jokes about sex and relationships are often observational and highlight uncomfortable or embarrassing truths.

10. Bodily humor:
This humor has everything to do with bodily functions. It tends to be popular with men and teenagers.

11. Dark humor: 
Also called black comedy or gallows humor, this type involves serious, morbid, or depressing themes and often uses deadpan, self-deprecation, or satire to mock a terrible situation or possibility.

“Cremation: my last hope for a smoking hot body.”

12.   Deadpan humor:
Dry humor, defined more by its delivery – with no change in emotion.  The incongruence of the delivery to the content is what is funny.

Sense of Humor Mismatch

Not sharing a sense of humor isn’t always a problem for couples, but it can be. If you and your partner don’t usually find the same things funny, watch for the signs (below) of serious incompatibility.

If your partner doesn’t get your jokes, that is one thing.  But if you feel like your partner doesn’t get “you,” that is another, much more serious, issue. Your partner doesn’t have to sit on the couch and laugh at Saturday Night Live with you, but if they sigh and roll their eyes every time they see you watching Saturday Night Live, you could have a problem.

Aggressive Humor Against Partner is a Bad Sign

You definitely have a problem if your partner’s sense of humor frequently makes you feel:

• insecure
• put down, judged, or devalued
• patronized
• excluded
• offended

If you often feel this way when your partner is trying to be funny (or, incidentally, at other times), you should question how compatible you truly are and whether this relationship is healthy for you. 

What’s the bottom line about love and laughing?

Whether your relationship works well probably has less to do with whether you always laugh at the same things than whether you:

• communicate well
• respect and affirm each other
• find each other attractive
• enjoy spending time together
• resolve your differences effectively

If you don’t share a sense of humor, but you love being with your partner, take heart!  Your relationship is probably on solid ground. Over time, you may even find yourself laughing at more of the same things. Humor compatibility and shared jokes often develop organically over time.

Humor Created Together

Humor created by a couple together may be more important than appreciating humor overall.

Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas looked at the results of 39 studies on humor that included over 15 thousand people and couples worldwide. 

Hall found that what matters is the humor that couples create together: sharing funny stories about your day, remembering things you think your partner would find funny, or having a storehouse of inside jokes.  It’s not about being a great comedian, but finding what’s funny in every day and enjoying it together.

The bottom line is it is good to have humor.  It’s better to see it in your partner. And it’s best to share it.

 Humor for Mate Selection and Relationship Maintenance – Overview

References

Cohan, C.L., & Bradbury, T. N. (1997)  “Negative life events, marital interaction, and the longitudinal course of newlywed marriage.”  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(1), 144-128.

Li, N. et al. (2009). “An evolutionary perspective on humor: Sexual selection or interest indication?”  Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 35, 923-936.

 Martin, R.A. (2006). The Psychology of Humor: An Integrative Approach.

Campbell, L., Martin, R.A., & Ward, J.A. (2008).  “An observational study of humor used during a conflict discussion.  Personal Relationships, 15, 41-55.

Appendix

Summary of Prior Post – Humor and Sexual Selection

• Humor is valued for mates worldwide.
• Men produce humor to attract women. Men are motivated to be funny.
• Humor production by men signals creativity, playfulness, mental health, potential generosity, intelligence, and genetic fitness.
• Women want a humor “generator.” Men want a humor “appreciator.”
• Men find women more attractive when they laugh.
• Females are more discriminating (more “choosey”) than men about humor.
• Female laughter is a signal of sexual interest.
• Judgments of humor are affected by the person’s initial attraction and interest.
• Humor is most effective if a person (she) is already attracted to the person (man).
• Synchronized laughter predicted mutual attraction, but the amount of female laughter predicted the level of interest in dating.
• Women do not have a preference for humorous female friends.
• When ovulating, women may prefer funny “poor” men for short-term liaisons over non-funny (richer) men.
• Women laugh more generally, and both sexes laugh more at men.
• In mixed company, women tease more generally and direct more teasing toward men.
• Aggressive humor by women may be a threat to men.
• Women and men are equally funny and appreciate humor equally.
• Women use more stories, narratives, puns, and self-deprecating humor.
• Men use more one-liners and physical/active humor.
• Men tease other men to gain the upper hand; men use humor to derogate rivals.
• Men who cause other men to laugh in mixed company have increased status.
• Self-deprecating humor is considered most attractive, especially for a high-status man.
• Sarcasm or ridicule of others is considered the least attractive humor.
• Humor increases the attraction of a less physically attractive man or a man of low status.
• Verbal intelligence and humor predicted an increase in lifetime sexual partners for men.
• Women initiate sex more with funny men and have more sex with funny men.
• Sex with humorous men increased the likelihood of female orgasm.

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