The Male Sexual Deficit: Social Fact of the 21st Century

The Male Sexual Deficit: Social Fact of the 21st Century

by | May 10, 2021 | Biological Difference, Dating & Mating Economy, Men's Issues, Sexuality

the”‘“Feminists insist that men’s greater demand for sexual activity is an outdated myth. Recent sex surveys prove the myth to be a fact and one that the social sciences have yet to address.”  

~ Catherine Hakim

Men want more sex than women (in statistical aggregate with individual differences).  This is not a criticism of men or a judgment of women.  This is just the way it is. We were designed this way over eons of time. The fact that men want more sex than women comports directly with the evolutionary evidence of sexual selection and the science of human mating. It reflects and is predicted by the difference between the sexual excitation system dominant in men versus the sexual inhibition system dominant in women.  (See prior posts.)  Only the questioning of this fact seems surprising.

Unsatisfying Sex Does Not Account for the Deficit

I have recently written about why heterosexual women may not want the sex they are being offered (Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships and Addressing Barriers to Female Sexual Pleasure – Let’s Get Educated).  But the prospect of unsatisfying sex does not account for the disparity of desire between men and women and ultimately the male sex deficit.  The “male sexual deficit” (also called surplus male sexuality) is the condition of men not getting enough sex.

The Male Sexual Deficit is Caused By:
  1. Women generally have a lower sex drive (sexual motivation) — the predominance of their sexual inhibition system (responsive desire). Men have a higher need for sexual activity and a need for more variety of sexual partners.
  2. Women find only a few men “suitable.” Female selectivity is a critical sex difference and evolutionary adaptation. The criteria of mate choice in a woman’s long-term mating strategy reveals “choosiness” for a narrow cluster of traits that define a “suitable” mate.  Related to “suitability,” there is a wide attraction disparity between men and women; men find a majority of women attractive; women find the majority of men unattractive.  (This fact is mostly undiscussable in the dating advice marketplace.)
  3. A severe supply and demand imbalance in the mating market that disadvantages men – the result of a lower female sex drive and “choosiness.” Available and willing women are in short supply compared to the significant demand by interested men.
  4. Women often do not want the “kind of sex” offered by their male partner, causing relative boredom, disinterest, and reduced sexual activity.
  5. There is an increase in the percentage of women who identify as lesbian or bi-sexual in practice.  Female sexual fluidity is growing. Women’s inherent sexual plasticity is leaving men on the sidelines.
Male Sexual Deficit in the Twenty-First Century

This post is named after and draws from a paper written by British sociologist Catherine Hakim.  It also captures the wisdom of evolutionary psychologists pertinent to this topic, primarily the work of David Buss. (See bios in the Appendix.)

Hakim describes the sexual deficit among men as a universal phenomenon in modern societies.  This phenomenon “emerged” during her research on sexual cultures, internet dating, and marriage markets.

Harbingers and Evidence of the Deficit: Sex Differentials Around the World

“The sex differentials in sexuality remain large, substantively important, and are found in all cultures, including the sexually liberated societies of Scandinavia.”  ~ Catherine Hakim

Hakim reviewed studies conducted worldwide over the last 30 years and reported a long list of “sex differentials” between men and women.  Below are just a few examples from various countries.

  • The most commonly reported sexual problem is the lack of interest in having sex.  In all countries, the rate of women is at least double the rate for men at all ages.
  • Men are four times more likely than women to agree to sexual approaches from their partner (38% of men versus 11% in Finland).
  • A majority of women regard love as a precondition for sex, while a majority of men reject the idea. (Sweden)
  • Men express two to ten times more enthusiasm for trying every variation in sexual activity. (Britain)
  • Men are three times more likely to prefer several concurrent lovers. (Estonia and Sweden)
  • Regular masturbation is two to three times more common among men in Sweden, Australia, Finland, and Britain.
  • Men are three times more likely to have frequent sexual fantasies and to use erotica of all kinds.
  • Casual sex was regarded as acceptable by a two-thirds majority of men vs. a one-third majority of women in Britain.
  • Men reported extra-marital affairs twice as often as women. Only in France, Spain and Italy do men and women begin to converge in their acceptance and practice of affairs.

A cross-cultural study of 29 countries showed that sex differences in desire and sexual interest are universal, but the gap between men and women is larger in male-dominated cultures than in liberal western democracies.

Male Sexual Deficit in the United States

Denise Donnelly (University of New Hampshire) analyzed a sample of 6,029 married persons in the United States to determine the correlates of sexual inactivity in marriage and to see if sexually inactive marriages were less happy and stable than those with sexual activity.  Donnelly found that about 1 in 7 marriages in the U.S. are largely “sexless” — characterized by little to no sexual intimacy (“dead bedrooms” is a popular subreddit). Typically, this happens because one member of the relationship refuses to engage in sex.  It is most often the woman.  Although sexually inactive marriages are not uncommon, Donnelly concluded that they are not happy or stable marriages. Thus, lack of sexual activity may be a danger signal for many marriages.

Adverse Effects of Male Sex deficit

Hakim believes the male sexual drought negatively affects society, fracturing families and potentially leading to violence and crime.

Hakim says, with some controversy, that the male sexual deficit helps to explain sexual harassment, sexual violence, rape, infidelity, and a rising demand for commercial sexual services that is almost exclusively male.  (Below, I will provide some contrary and perhaps more reliable evidence about sexual coercion from evolutionary psychology.)

Commercial Sex Services Demonstrate the Deficit

Commercial sex services have existed in all societies, whether they are treated as legitimate or not.  The male sexual deficit explains why, in all societies, customers for the sex industry are men almost exclusively. For instance, in Greece and Italy, 40% of men have bought sexual services compared to less than 1% of women.

An International Labor Office (ILO) study of the sex industry found that demand for erotic services grows as a country (or individual) becomes more affluent; therefore, overall demand is rising.

Demand for such services from women is minuscule in all cultures, and this is not due to women’s lack of economic resources.  Some poor men will find the money if necessary but affluent women are rarely tempted. The sex industry has always been highly stratified, with a diversity of services at all price levels, because male demand exists at all income levels.

Sex Work is Lucrative But Not a Cure for the Deficit

Men’s ambivalence towards women working in the sexual entertainment industry may be because women exploit men’s “weakness” effectively. Women can earn 10 – 40 times more than in conventional jobs.  The sex industry is the sine qua non of the “erotic-economic” bargain but does not significantly depress the male sexual deficit.  (See “Erotic-Economic Bargain — the Ultimate Exchange in the Mating Economy” in Dynamics in the Mating Economy – Domain #1 of Male-Female Difference.)

Cause #1 of the Deficit:  Lower Female Sex Drive

“This gap in desire between men and women is seen in every country and culture where sex surveys have been done. The received wisdom that men always want more sex than their wives is not a stereotype, but a fact.” ~ Catherine Hakim

Measure of Desire in Developed Countries

Inside Hakim’s data set, Finnish sociologist and sexologist Osmo Kontula identified (2009) 12 measures of sexual desire (see Appendix) and offers this summary of four decades of sex research in developed countries:

  • Younger men experience sexual desire twice as frequently as women.
  • Older men experience sexual desire four times as often as women in the same age group.
  • As a result, male sexual desire is compatible with the level of desire in women approximately 20 years younger.
  • Overall, male sexual desire is manifested at least twice as often as female desire, and men would like to have sex twice as often as women.
  • The gap in sexual desire between men and women grows over time.
Female Sex Drive Is More Plastic

The national surveys on sex differences around the globe are corroborated by more detailed studies of the sex drive by Roy Baumeister and other social psychologists.  Those surveys suggest the differences in sexuality between the sexes may be due to the female sex drive being more plastic, malleable, and responsive to social influences (See Cause #5 below), whereas the male sex drive is less compliant (Baumeister, 2000, 2004).

Women’s Lower Interest Is Not a Disorder

Marta Meana, clinical psychologist and researcher in women’s sexuality, concluded (2010) that discrepancies of sexual desire within relationships are the norm rather than the exception, generally due to the woman’s lower interest in sexual activity.  She says clinicians should not treat this as a sexual disorder since very few women are distressed by their lack of desire per se.  Instead, they are worried about the impact on their relationships.

Men Want More Sex Partners – More Evidence of the Deficit

Evolutionary psychologist David Schmitt (2003) studied 16,288 individuals residing in 52 nations (2003) and found sex differences to be culturally universal without a single exception.  Men said they wanted 1.87 sex partners over the next month; women wanted only .78.  Over the next decade, men said they wanted six partners on average; women said they wanted two.  In Middle East countries, such as Lebanon and Turkey, men wanted 2.5 sex partners over the next month. In South America, 35% of men wanted more than one sex partner over the next month, but only 6% of women did.  In Japan, where levels of sex drive appear to be unusually low, six times more men (18%) than women (2.6%) wanted more than one sex partner.

Sex Difference in Rates of Infidelity is Narrowing

The infidelity rate between men and women has narrowed since sexologist Alfred Kinsey found (in 1953) that twice as many men as women had experienced at least one sexual infidelity (50% vs. 26%).  Recent studies show that men cheat with a larger number of partners, and women are choosier even in this domain, typically having a single affair.  And of those women, 70% cite love or emotional connection as the key reason for the affair. This finding points more toward the mate-switching function of female infidelity than a woman’s desire for sexual variety.  (See Mate Switching Hypothesis.) Men’s affairs are more motivated by sex with someone new, especially if they have no sex at home.

Consenting to Sex with Strangers – Sex Differences

Studies of consenting to have sex with strangers found that 75% of men approached by female confederates said “yes” to the question: “will you go to bed with me tonight?”  Nearly 100% of women said “no way” to the request from male confederates.   Most men who declined asked for a raincheck.  (The first study was done in Florida in 1989; it was later replicated in Austria, Denmark, and the Netherlands.)

“The psychological and behavioral evidence all points to the same conclusion,” says Buss, “men and women differ profoundly in their desire for sexual variety.”  (As explained in Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships, a woman may need or want a variety of experiences with the same partner.)

Unfulfilled Longings 

“The large and profound sex difference in the desire for variety is not something that merely rattles around in men’s heads,” says Buss.   “Many men are burdened by lust for a variety of different women, constant cravings that cannot ever be fully satisfied.  Sexual desire sometimes bursts forth into action.”  It explains the philandering of such men like Hugh Grant, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Charlie Sheen, who had wives or girlfriends and presumedly were not experiencing much sexual deficit.  But “it also explains,” says Buss,  “the rage of ‘incels,’ whose sexual desires remain forever unfulfilled as they watch women they want from the sidelines of the mating market.”

Men Have a Higher Sex Drive – Period

“Evolution has equipped men with a higher sex drive,”  says Buss. This is reflected in several sexual adaptations:

  • Men become sexually aroused more easily than women, especially to visual stimuli.
  • Men have more frequent and spontaneous sexual fantasies.
  • Men spontaneously think about sex twice as often as women do every day.
  • Men desire to have sex more frequently than do women.
  • Men average 679 circulating units of testosterone; women’s average is a tenth of that.

“In short,” says Buss, “the gender differences in sex drive create a gap. The less interested person has more power over if and when sex will occur, and women are often less interested.”

Causes # 2 and 3 of the Deficit:  Female Choosiness and the Mating Marketplace

“Female choosiness – deciding who qualifies for interaction, relationship escalation, and sexual access is a first principle in human mating.  ~ David Buss

Women find few men “suitable” as mates.  Female “choosiness” coupled with a lower sex drive creates a severe supply and demand imbalance in the mating market that disadvantages men.  Women who are available and willing are in short supply compared to the great demand by interested men.  As a result, many men lose out or opt-out of the market, causing a vast “surplus” of male sexuality. “It is precisely this female selectivity,” says Buss, “that creates sexual conflict, sometimes expressed as resentment by those who fall below the threshold.”

Women Liked Very Few Profiles

Buss cites a study that placed 14 fake male and female profiles on Tinder and analyzed the responses to them.   Over eight thousand (8,288) men liked the female profiles, compared to just 532 women who liked the male profiles.  Although men on Tinder swiped right on hundreds of female profiles, fewer than 1% of women reciprocated that liking.

Few Women Actually On Ashley Madison

Investigative research revealed that 99% of female profiles on Ashley Madison were fake.  In reality, although there were 20 million men actively using the cheating site, only 1,492 women, less than 1% of the total user base, actively used the site.

Examples of Female Choosiness

Buss shares the story of a female friend who tried online dating.  She was described as a successful, intelligent, and attractive academic, no doubt with high mate value. She received more than 500 responses in two weeks.  However, after the end of her exhaustive screening process, she sent only one reply out of the 500.   And after a coffee date with him, “she concluded he did not exceed threshold.”  Another woman told Buss that she used Tinder and swiped right on less than .8 % of the men she saw and met only .6 % of that group, resulting in a .005 % of the total men she saw.

Attraction Disparity – the Pernicious Underbelly of the Deficit

The choosiness and caution demonstrated by women as compared to men are reiterated in Buss’s new book:  When Men Behave Badly.  Buss found that men, on average, find women more attractive than women find men attractive.  The difference is BIG!

In a study, men rated women’s attractiveness along a bell curve.  Sixty (60) percent of the women were rated by men as “average” to “very attractive.”  The women rated only 17% of the men from “average” to “attractive.”  Women rated 58% of the men as below threshold or unattractive.  Ouch.

Eons of Sexual Selection Demonstrate the Disparity

The attraction disparity is demonstrated by eons of sexual selection for the alpha male and men’s behavioral co-evolution to acquire hierarchal power and social status to be that alpha male.  Attraction disparity gives women the upper hand in the sexual marketplace.

Men Lower Their Standards

Contributing to the attractive threshold gap is men’s willingness to lower their standards for casual sexual encounters.  Men are willing to date down when it comes to sex.

Supply and Demand Forces in the Mating Marketplace

In the human mating economy, men primarily sell, and women mostly buy; this is the predominant evolutionary dynamic. Thus, the buyer (female chooser) significantly controls the marketplace.

All mate selection behaviors are driven by supply and demand forces for sexual access to the best or highest-mate-value mates.  Fertile (and consensually most “beautiful”) women are in great demand, and the supply of men interested in them creates significant differences in behavioral dynamics – leading to a multitude of male initiation strategies, misreading of signals by women (male “over-perception bias”), and a reproductive variance curve.

Most Men Want the Same Women

Simply said, roughly 80% of men compete for 20% or less of the same (highest mate value) women in the overall mating economy.  Interested men are plentiful in this market (as driven by biological-hormonal imperatives), and receptive women are scarce.   Supply and demand forces skew odds in favor of female choice and dramatically work against the odds of a man being chosen.

Pursuer and Pursued “Are Not” The Same People

The 180% difference between a buyer and a seller in the mating-sexual economy is dramatic in its psychological impact.   It affects motivation, the origination of desire, perceptions of risk and safety, and ultimately the experience of sexual scarcity or abundance.

The psychology (lived experience) of the sexual initiator and pursuer is vastly different than the psychology of the one pursued and the one who chooses among her pursuers.  This general difference between men and women cannot be overstated. (See “We Are Not the Same People” in Appendix)

Mate Value is the “Currency” of the Deficit

Mate value (and assessed mate value trajectory of men) rules the marketplace.  Men with resources, status, and larger physical attributes (especially height) have greater mate value than men who do not.  Women’s mate value is primarily determined by physical characteristics of beauty, waist-to-hip ratio, and other signals of fertility.  Mate value drives the initial mate selection process.  Mate value includes elements of character and other preferred traits as courtship continues into the period of relationship maintenance.   But human sexuality is primarily designed to choose and access sexual partners, not keep them over time.

“In or Out of Your League”

It is no accident that we commonly rate ourselves and others on a “1-10” point scale.  While there is a tendency for both sexes to over-rate vs. under-rate themselves, we generally know if our desired partner is “in or out of our league.”   If we are a “7,” we strive to bargain successfully for a “7-9.”   Men, especially, who know they are seen as a “5” or below, lust hopelessly after unattainable women who are a “9” or “10.”  This understandable tendency is biologically, not rationally inspired.  There is painful despondency for both sexes related to the invisibility of low mate value.

Reproductive Variance – There Has Always Been a Male Sexual Deficit

“Reproductive variance” refers to the variability of reproductive success for human males and females.  More women have sex and reproduce in the general population than do men, as shown by genetic studies.  For men, the difference between men who did not reproduce (the have-nots) and the men who reproduced prolifically (the haves) is very wide.   For women, there is much less variance; most women reproduce, and the number of children they have is constrained by their biology.

Most Men are Losers in the Mating Game

DNA studies by Jason Wilder and colleagues revealed that approximately 80% of women in human history have reproduced compared to about 40% of men.  The human population is descended from twice as many women as men.

Male Sexual Deficit and Female Choice

The male sexual deficit is an expected “collateral damage” of female preferential mate choice.   Men operate as best they can within this power imbalance, and women use their “erotic capital” (a term coined by Hakim, see Appendix) to achieve their mating objectives.

Less Deficit On Campus

There are now fewer men than women on U.S. college campuses.  That gives those men a sex-ratio advantage and works against a pervasive male sexual deficit.  A sexual deficit remains for the male “losers” of mate competition on college campuses, but some men are getting laid right now that might not have 10 to 15 years ago.

Misperceptions About Mate Value – An Artifact of the Deficit

People differ profoundly in how desirable or valued they are on the mating market.  Differences in desirability create havoc in at least two fundamental ways, according to Buss.  The first centers around misperceptions.  Although both men and women can err in their self-perceived mate value, research shows that men are more likely than women to be overconfident in a variety of domains.

Men experience higher self-esteem than women – a sex difference that emerges at puberty. Men have higher estimates than women of their physical attractiveness.  Consequently, men are more likely to err in overestimating their desirability on the mating market.

Some Men Are Dumb and Dumber

                                    “So you are telling me there is a chance?”  Lloyd, Dumb and Dumber

In the movie Dumb and Dumber, Lloyd (Jim Carey) asks Mary (who is comically out of his league), “so what are my chances?  “Not good,” she says.  “You mean not good like one in a hundred,” Llyod optimistically inquires. “No, not good like one out of a million,” Mary concedes. Nevertheless, Lloyd’s optimism is undeterred.  He thinks he has a chance.

The over-perception bias among men – a belief that women may be interested in them, is a much-studied tenet of mate selection and is related to error management theory.  It is better to lose a potential mating opportunity with a direct pursuit (a false positive) than lose an opportunity by not trying (a false negative).

Everybody Wants the Best Deal in the Mating Market

According to researchers Bruch and Newman (2018), both sexes pursue partners in the mating market who are 25% more desirable than they are.  One of Buss’s colleagues asked, “why am I being pestered by men I don’t care about, but the men I am genuinely attracted to seem to show so little interest in me?”  Buss told his colleague that she is an “8” chasing after “10s” but being pursued by “6s.”

Cause #4 of the Deficit:  Women Do Not Want the “Kind of Sex” Being Offered

Repetitious, unimaginative sex by a long-term partner may produce relative boredom, disinterest, and reduced sexual activity by women.  See post Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships for discussion of this cause of the male sexual deficit.

Cause # 5 of the Deficit:  Female Sexual Fluidity is Growing

Female sexual fluidity is growing. There is an increase in the percentage of women who identify as lesbian or bi-sexual in practice.   Women are turning away from men for romance and connection; they prefer the company of women for a variety of socio-cultural reasons (e.g., memes of “toxic masculinity and the “me-too” movement).

Liberal Generation Zs – An Increasingly Fluid Population

A recent Gallup poll found one in six (15.9%) Generation Z adults (ages 18-23) identify as LGBTQ.  LGBTQ identification is lower in each older generation, including 2% or less of respondents born before 1965.  Young people who are politically liberal identify as LGBTQ at astronomical rates.  Gallup found nearly thirty-one percent (30.7) percent of Gen Z liberal adults identified as LGBTQ.

This phenomenon and female sexual fluidity is an extremely important topic for one or more future posts on this site.

Buss Disputes Male Sexual Deficit as Source of Sexual Coercion

Buss disputes that the male sexual deficit is the primary source of sexual coercion – an idea called the “male deprivation hypothesis” studied by evolutionary psychologists. Buss shares his research findings and a prolific body of research in his new book When Men Behave Badly.  Sexual coercion is more often perpetrated by high-status males than by low-status males suffering from a sexual deficit. (Buss disagrees with Hakim’s assertions on this point.)

Buss would agree that the male sexual deficit is a contributing cause of infidelity and the demand for commercial sex services because it triggers the powerful motivation by men for sexual variety.  From zero sex partners in a “dead bedroom” marriage to one or more partners outside of that marriage is a significant improvement in sexual variety.

But Male Violence and Sexual Deficit May be Linked

There is compelling evidence that overall male aggression, violence by so-called “incels” (involuntary celibate men), and mass shootings are linked to a lack of sexual relationships, male loneliness, and a condition of low status. Low status is perhaps the most salient, but all three are related.  This topic deserves separate treatment in this space and will be done along with a review of Buss’s books When Men Behave Badly and The Murderer Next Door.  Suffice to say, Hakim and evolutionary psychologists may agree on the general point about violence and the male sexual deficit.

Future Trends of the Male Sex Deficit

According to Hakim, several factors suggest that the male sex deficit will not disappear and might even grow in the 21st century:

  • A decline in the frequency of sexual intercourse (inside and outside marriage) in Britain, the USA, Germany, Finland, Japan and other countries.
  • Women’s increasing economic independence allows them to withdraw from sexual markets and relationships that they perceive to offer unfair bargains, especially if they do not want children.
  • Changes in national sex ratios towards a numerical surplus of men help women re-set the rules in developed societies. (I am dismissive of the influence of more males as an important driver of the male sexual deficit. There would be a deficit even if the sexes were equal in numbers.  Female preferential choice primarily determines the deficit.)
Conclusions

According to Catherine Hakim, the male sexual deficit in developed societies is an indisputable, universal social fact of growing importance.  The research appears to support this conclusion.

Evolutionary psychologists believe the male sexual deficit is predicted by female preferential choice in mate selection.  Also, the sexual deficit among heterosexual men helps explain why men are the principal customers for commercial sexual entertainment, most likely to have affairs, and engage in some forms of violence.

References

Anderson, E. (2012).  The Monogamy Gap:  Men, Love, and the Reality of Cheating.

Baumeister, R. (2000). “Gender differences in erotic plasticity: The female sex drive as socially flexible and responsive.”  Psychological Bulletin 126 (3): 347-374.

Baumeister, R. (2004). “Gender and erotic plasticity: Sociocultural influences on the sex drive.”  Sexual and Relationship Therapy. 19: 133-139.

Bruch, E.E. and Newman,  M.E.J. “Aspirational pursuit of mates in online dating markets.”  Science Advances, 4, no. 8 (2018).

Donnelly, D; (1993).  “Sexually inactive marriages;” The Journal of Sex Research, Vol. 30, Issue 2.

Kontula, O. (2009). “Between Sexual Desire and Reality: The Evolution of Sex in Finland.” Population Research Institute, Helsinki.

Meana, M. (2010). “Elucidating a women’s (hetero) sexual desire: definitional challenges and content expansion.”  Journal of Sex Research,  47 (2-3): 104-122.

Mustanski, B. (2011)  “How often do men and women think about sex?”  Psychology Today, December 6.

Peplau, LA. (2003). “Human Sexuality: How do men and women differ?” Current Directions in Psychological Science 12 (2): 37-40.

Schmitt, D.P.  “Universal sex differences in the desire for sexual variety: Tests from 52 nations, 6 continents, and 13 islands.”  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85, no. 1 (2003).

Appendix

Kontula’s 12 Measures of Sexual Desire

  1. thoughts, fantasies, and spontaneous arousal
  2. desired frequency of sex
  3. desired number of sexual partners
  4. frequency of masturbation
  5. continuous willingness to engage in sex
  6. the emergence of sexual desire in youth
  7. seeking out experiences and initiating them
  8. desiring a variety of experiences
  9. investing resources for sex
  10. attitudes favorable to sexuality
  11. infrequent absence of sexual desire
  12. self-assessed degree of desire

Catherine Hakim

Catherine Hakim is a British sociologist who specializes in women’s employment and women’s issues.  She is currently a Professorial Research Fellow at the Institute for the Study of Civil Society (Civitas). She has published over 100 articles in academic journals and over a dozen textbooks and research monographs. 

Hakim is best known for her criticisms of many feminist assumptions about women’s employment.  Her “preference theory” seeks to provide an empirically based predictive explanation for the differentiated choices women make between paid productive work and unpaid “reproductive” work in affluent modern societies.

Hakim defines “erotic capital” as an individual’s beauty, sexual attractiveness, enhanced social integration, liveliness, social presentation, sexuality, and fertility that can provide opportunities to advance in life. Hakim says erotic capital plays a subconscious role in daily life decisions, such as career offerings, enrichment opportunities, and social networking.    Hakim asserts that current dating apps and subsequent decisions for marriage are driven by a woman’s erotic capital and a man’s economic capital.   (I have named this the erotic-economic bargain.)

David Buss

David Buss is a professor of psychology at the University of Texas at Austin.  He is the author of leading textbooks on evolutionary psychology,  The Evolution of Desire, The Dangerous Passion, The Murderer Next Door, and Why Women Have Sex, co-authored with Cindy Meson.  His most recent book is When Men Behave Badly – The Hidden Roots of Sexual Deception, Harassment, and Assault.  Buss has written for multiple publications and received numerous awards, including designation as one of the fifty most influential psychologists in the world.

We Are Not the Same People
(Steven Fearing, 2010)

You are the people of the Adored

I am the people of the Longing. 

We are not the same kind of people at all.

You are the people who receive the desire;

I am the people who feel the desire like a wound in my body. 

You are the people who receive “gifts”.

I am the people who fight other men in the material world so that gifts may be given. 

You are the people (who are not fat or ugly) who live in the act of choosing.  I am of the people who hope to be chosen.

You are of the people who choose when you want love and sex.

I am of the people who wait with longing to be chosen.

You are the people who enjoy the adoration of 50 offers.

I am of the people who are mostly lost, one among the 49 others.

You are the people who receive the gifts and the offers with no risk.

I am of the people who must constantly risk and suffer the feedback of a hundred offers avoided, discounted, or rebuked.

You are of the people who speak of no jealousy because you rarely lose love to another person who was chosen instead, and because 50 more offers to you await your response.

I am of the people who have lost you to another person many times.  That wound in my heart is a gaping, angry hole.

Sometimes the people of the longing try to fill the hole with God, with service, with drugs, or a belief in the possibility of a transformed world. The people of the longing try to fill the hole with meaning.  It rarely works to stop the longing. 

You are the people of the adored.  I am the people of the longing. 

We are not the same people.

 

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Addressing Barriers to Female Sexual Pleasure – Let’s Get Educated

Addressing Barriers to Female Sexual Pleasure – Let’s Get Educated

by | Apr 26, 2021 | Relationship Issues, Sexuality, Women's Issues

“Think outside her box.”

~  Ian Kerner, PhD., She Comes First

Prologue

Part of the mission of Mating Straight Talk is to explain and demonstrate the evolved behavioral sex differences between men and women.  Sex differences in mating strategies and modes of sexuality serve essential evolutionary purposes.  Recently, I have written about the difference between spontaneous desire (the sexual excitation system predominant for men) and responsive desire (the sexual inhibition system dominant for women).  I outlined how women might “turn off their brakes” (their sexual inhibition system) and maximize their responsive desire.

The research on maximizing responsive desire revealed the difference between men and women related to how novelty triggers sexual desire.  Female boredom in monogamous relationships is an unpleasant reality; it is caused (in part) by the lack of novelty and surprise.  To be clear, women are not, in general, wanting non-monogamy; they are not seeking new or multiple partners as a result of this “sexual malaise.”  But, in addition to “boredom” and the challenge of “designing” the best context for sex (with sufficient “freshness”), there are other barriers to female satisfaction.

Barriers to Female Pleasure

There is an over-reliance on sexual intercourse as a practice and as a definition of sex.  Men and women lack basic knowledge of female anatomy and pleasuring techniques.  The orgasm gap is bigger than the pay gap and has more legitimacy as a behavioral problem.  Add a toxic dose of shame, trauma, and physical pain — and it is a wonder that anyone is getting laid or enjoying it when they do.

Sexual Techniques Do Matter

My focus in Mating Straight Talk has never been on the techniques of sexual practice.  (Psychological “operations” are more interesting than the operation of a vibrator.) But techniques are relevant to the success of a sexual relationship between a man and a woman.  Sexual practices and the “gendered” psychology that “contain” those practices further illustrate the differences between men and women.

She Comes First

As most women everywhere will attest, when it comes to understanding female sexuality, most guys know more about what’s under the hood of a car than under the hood of a clitoris.  Ian Kerner’s book  She Comes First – The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman may be the definitive guide to oral sex – where the mystery of female satisfaction is solved, and the “tongue is proven mightier than the sword.”   I encourage readers, especially men, to read this book.  It addresses the over-reliance on sexual intercourse and the lack of knowledge of female anatomy.

Sex and the Frustrated Man

Also, I must acknowledge the considerable insights of author and sex educator Kaye Smith, Ph.D.  Much of this post is adapted from her article, “Sex and the Frustrated Man,” first appearing in Medium.

“Widower Fears Impotence Will Kill New Relationship” 

That was the headline of the column featuring a letter written to “Dear Abby.”  A man lost his wife, had his prostate removed because of cancer, and wanted to start a new relationship.  Worried that he could not perform sexually and be rejected, he asked Jeanne Philips, “Is it possible to have a good relationship with someone without intercourse?  Or do you think I am doomed?”

Yes — Some Women Are Fine with No Sex

Philips’s answer was revealing.  She told this man that many women would value his warmth, affection, intellect, etc. and that he would be in demand, even if he could not perform sexually.  Philips described a common state of post-menopausal female sexual desire – a “responsive desire” (as defined in earlier posts) that is happy with a non-sexual yet romantic relationship.  This is a “desire” functionally over and done; it is latent but not consciously seeking revival.

But C’mon, There is More To Sex Than Intercourse!

Most importantly, it is what Phillips did not say that was interesting, if not troubling.  Phillips said nothing to educate this man (or her readers) about the diverse world of sexual practices that do not include intercourse – that do not require an erect penis or penetration with that penis.  In this post, I will address the problem of “sex-is-intercourse” and other norms or conditions that place barriers to pleasure for women (especially) and men in their sex lives. I will also address the physiological changes that can make sex unappealing for post-menopausal women.

Why Women Lack An Interest in Sex — Revisited

In my prior post (Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships), I reported the research of Marta Meana about the loss of female libido.  Meana cited three reasons women gave to explain a lack of interest in sex: 1) the institution of marriage produces too much routine, 2) overfamiliarity of sexual practices and loss of novelty, and 3) the de-sexualization of roles – the incongruity of being a mother and a wife.

“Dead Bedrooms”

A  few studies (1) in the U.S. indicate about 1 in 7 marriages are largely “sexless” — characterized by little to no sexual intimacy (“dead bedrooms” is a popular subreddit). Typically, this happens because one member of the relationship refuses to engage in sex.  It is most often the woman.

Male Sex Deficit

In a controversial paper on the male sex deficit, Catherine Hakim (former London School of Economics professor) cited several worldwide studies conducted over the last 30 years that found women reported less sexual interest, lower desire, and more conservative behavior. About 30% of women struggled with low sexual desire compared with 15% of men, and it was the most commonly reported female sexual problem.

“The sex differentials in sexuality remain large, substantively important, and are found in all cultures, including the sexually liberated societies of Scandinavia.” — Catherine Hakim

Kaye Smith (“Sex and the Frustrated Man”) is a strong advocate for female sexual capacity and empowerment.  She agrees with Hakim:   “I believe there is enough research data to support the idea that men overall do report higher rates of libido, sexual interest, and motivation than women and are probably often frustrated with the amount of sex they’re having.”  (Stay tuned for my post on May 11 for further discussion of “dead bedrooms” and the “male sex deficit.”)

Pleasure Roadblocks

Some sexual norms act as roadblocks to women.  A woman can be compromised in her ability to enjoy sex, talk about her desires, feel comfortable in her body, demand sexual equality, or even know when she is turned on. If women do not develop a strong connection with their sexuality, it can play out in the bedroom as sexual apathy.

“Crappy sex is like chowing down on Big Macs as your main source of nutrition.  It does a number on your libido like the one fast food does on your heart.”  ~ Kaye Smith

Problematic roadblocks include:

  1. Sex-is-intercourse
  2. “Clitphobia”
  3. Sexual “lockjaw”
  4. Trauma
  5. Pain
1. Sex-is-Intercourse

In my March 29 post, Turn Off the Brakes!  Making the Most of Female Responsive Desire, I shared the advice of Emily Nagoski that adding sexual novelty does not need to include new techniques or new toys.  True enough.  But it could include new techniques and toys — and it may require some!  As I explained in Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships, women need a variety of stimulation for sexual fulfillment (from the same man).  The same sex over and over, especially if it is intercourse, could be a barrier to sexual satisfaction for some women.

“I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman!”

When former president Bill Clinton was accused of sexual impropriety, he insisted with a straight face that “He DID NOT have sex with that woman” (Monica Lewinsky) because all she did was “blow” (fellate) him.

Today, if we asked a thousand straight teenagers and young people, “What is sex?” most would probably say vaginal intercourse — usually to male orgasm.  Note to “Dear Abby” — that is sexual reductionism at its finest.

Vaginal Intercourse is Overvalued

Vaginal intercourse is overvalued, while other sex acts are undervalued. Sexual reductionism is deeply problematic for female sexual pleasure and has a ripple effect on how we think about sex.

Why is “Intercourse-equals-sex” Problematic?
  • Most women can’t come from penetration alone.
  • Clitoral stimulation winds up as a mere appetizer to the main meal of intercourse, which drastically reduces female sexual pleasure.
  • Many men aren’t good at intercourse due to premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, or bad technique.
  • Some women experience sexual pain from intercourse. Sexual pain is a widespread problem for women, is rarely discussed, and often increases with age.
  • “Sex-is-intercourse” ignores the vast array of other sexual practices and aids: the use of lips, tongue, fingers, and vibrators (what author Valerie Frankel calls “outercourse”) — as well as dildoes, plugs, and other sensorial “toys.”

The sex-is-intercourse norm leads to the marginalization of all acts that aren’t about a penis in vagina (PIV).  Ian Kerner says, “cunnilingus is not foreplay, it’s coreplay.”

2. “Clitphobia”
Where’s the Clitoris?

Often, the clitoris is nowhere to be “found” because of a lack of identification and naming.  This starts when a baby girl is born, and we mislabel her anatomy as a “vagina.”  The vagina is the birth canal; it’s not the correct term for visible lady parts.  The correct term is “vulva.”   The primary female sex organ is the clitoris, the equivocal organ to the penis.

Never Heard of It

In a study conducted jointly by Minnesota State and Royal Roads Universities on clitoral knowledge, researchers found that most participants had never heard of the word “clitoris” until they were well into their teens — often after becoming sexually active. One young woman said, “I don’t remember ever being told that a clitoris is a normal part of a female’s body.”  We apparently have a fear of the clitoris, and in some parts of the world – extreme loathing as well.  Female circumcision (clitoridectomy) occurs in parts of Asia and Africa for cultural and religious reasons.

Clitoral Landscape

In The Clitoral Truth, author Rebecca Chalker delineates eighteen parts of the clitoris based upon the research of the Federation of Feminist Women’s Health Centers.  Most well-known and perhaps most important in “outercourse” is the clitoral glans or head of the clitoris, which has 8,000 nerve endings, twice as many as in the head of the penis and more than any other part of the human body.  Inside the vulva are the legs of clitoris that flare downward like a wishbone on either side.  The “legs” are surrounded by erectile tissue known as the twin “clitoral bulbs.”  Even lesser known is the “urethral sponge” that lies on the ceiling of the vagina.

There is no Specific G-Spot 

According to Kerner and other sex educators, “the G-spot is nothing more than the roots of the clitoris crisscrossing the urethral sponge.”  Nicole Prause, an acclaimed neuroscientist and sex researcher on sexual stimulation, says the anterior wall of the vagina does not have any heightened area of sensitivity that can trigger orgasm – there is no G-“spot.”    A lot of fuss has been made about the difference between a clitoral orgasm and a G-spot orgasm.  Although the urethral sponge is attached to the vaginal ceiling, it is considered an integral part of the clitoral network, says Kerner:  “A G-spot orgasm, like all female orgasms, is a clitoral orgasm.”

The Orgasm Gap

Since a woman’s clitoris “does not exist,” it has received inadequate attention in the bedroom. Which leads to the “orgasm gap.”  Depending upon who you read, 10-26% of women are not orgasmic at all.  Over 60% of women who are orgasmic are not happy with how often it occurs.

According to one study (2) (see “Differences in Orgasm Frequency” in Appendix), while 75% of men routinely orgasm during a sexual encounter, only 29% of women do.  Sixty-five percent of straight women were orgasmic compared to 95% of straight men.

Orgasms with Intercourse

Women can receive clitoral stimulation by penile penetration that presses against the clitoral glans and hood and by possible stimulation of the legs of the clitoris or urethral sponge.  But the heavy lifting for clitoral stimulation leading to orgasm is stimulation to the glans and clitoral hood by practices other than intercourse.  Michael Castleman of AARP says only 25% of all women reliably have orgasms during intercourse. “That means 75% of women of all ages must have direct clitoral stimulation to experience orgasm.”

Orgasm Gap Disappears with Masturbation

The orgasm gap disappears during masturbation and same-sex encounters. Sex researcher Shere Hite found that women who masturbate regularly orgasm 96% of the time.

The orgasm gap occurs for one simple reason: neither the woman nor her partner give the clitoris its due attention. They both expect a female orgasm to arrive the same way as a male orgasm – by intercourse. But it doesn’t, and she doesn’t say anything.

3. Sexual “Lockjaw”

Why don’t women say anything? Why do women continue to tolerate the intolerable? Women put up with a lot: pressure to have sex, hapless foreplay, no orgasms, and pain.  So why do women have “sexual lockjaw?”  One word says Smith:  “shame.”

Shame

Writer Yael Wolfe (“What Sexually Frustrated Men Need to Understand About Their Partners,” Medium, 2019) describes how women have been a primary target of our culture’s sexual shaming.  “We’ve been shamed for our body size, for having body hair, for having smelly vaginas [vulvas], for expressing desire, for not expressing desire, for masturbating, for not masturbating, for our sexual fantasies.  You need to understand how hard it can be to allow our bodies to move in ways that will bring us pleasure.”

She Doesn’t Want to Hurt Her Male Partner

Toxic sexual shame for women means she turns herself into a pretzel for the straight male orgasm — no matter the cost to her emotionally or physically.

One of the biggest problems with “hetero-sex” is the idea that a woman’s satisfaction is her partner’s responsibility, and if he can’t bring home the bacon, he’s not a man. The male ego can be fragile and insecure and can be both aggressive and defensive in bed.  Most women are socialized to prioritize their relationships even at the expense of their own needs.  Women keep their mouths shut to avoid making male lovers feel inadequate and to avoid shaming them.  However, when women stay silent, desire can go dormant and eventually disappear.

4. Trauma

Many women experience trauma. Sexual abuse is rampant in our society. One out of 6 women will experience a rape or an attempted rape in their lifetimes, according to the Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAIN). Survivors are more likely to report distress, experience PTSD, and contemplate suicide than non-survivors.

Sexual abuse can have a profound impact on sexuality. According to a study of 1664 women, those who had been abused reported more issues with body image and expressed more discomfort getting undressed in front of a lover. They also used contraception less often and reported more sexual and relationship dissatisfaction.

Close Contact Can Be Triggering

Sex involves close intimate contact, which can be a trigger for some people. Being touched might reactivate the anger experienced from abuse or molestation.

Survivors often check out of their bodies and disassociate while being abused.  Disassociating can be a way of handling an unbearable trauma. Unfortunately, while this helps them survive at the time, it can linger as a side effect.  Leaving your body behind while you float in the ether isn’t a recipe for a passionate, connected sexual experience.

5. Female Pain

Pain During Vaginal Intercourse

A study by Debby Hebernick (3) and colleagues found that 30% of women and 7% of men reported pain during vaginal intercourse.  Most of the reports of pain were mild and short duration.  About 72% of women and 15% of men reported pain during anal intercourse.  Women reported more moderate or severe pain than did men.  Researchers concluded that “large proportions of Americans do not tell their partner [have lockjaw] when sex hurts.”

According to the North American Menopause Society, up to 45% of postmenopausal women find sex painful due, in part, to increased vaginal dryness and thinning vaginal tissue caused by falling estrogen levels.

Conditions Causing Pain

Pain can occur for many reasons.  Several poorly understood medical conditions can wreak havoc on a woman’s sex life: including vulvodynia, lichen sclerosus, and pudendal neuralgia.  (See Appendix).

Irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) can also cause pain for women during deep coital penetration.  Women with IBS also report a lack of sexual desire and difficulty getting aroused.  Lack of arousal can lead to insufficient lubrication.  (IBS is 1.5-3 times more common in women, but it can also cause premature ejaculation or erectile dysfunction in men.)

Sometimes pain occurs because of an overly tight pelvic floor or hormonal birth control. The pill reduces testosterone, which can be implicated in the most common sexual pain problem in premenopausal women: provoked vestibulodynia, a form of vulvodynia.

Conclusion

A significant barrier to sexual pleasure for women is an over-reliance on sexual intercourse as a practice.  Men and women lack basic knowledge of female anatomy and pleasuring techniques.  Let’s get educated about “outercourse” and create an environment where it is easy and natural to talk about sex.  Men will also have more pleasure when women have more sexual agency.  Shame is unnecessary!  In a world with courageous and compassionate straight talk about sex, trauma and pain can be reduced.  Let’s bring down the barriers.

References

  1. Donnelly, D; (1993). “Sexually inactive marriages”; The Journal of Sex Research, Vol. 30, Issue 2.
  1. Frederick, D., et al. (2018) “Differences in Orgasm Frequency Among Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Heterosexual Men and Women in a U.S. National Sample.” Archives of Sexual Behavior, 47, 273-288.
  1. Herbenick, D. et al., “Pain experienced during vaginal and anal intercourse with other-sex partners: findings from a nationally representative probability study in the United States.” Journal of Sexual Medicine, (2015), April, 12 (4): 1040-51.

Appendix

 

Female Pain – Physical Conditions that Prevent Sexual Pleasure

Vaginal Atrophy

According to the Mayo Clinic, vaginal atrophy (atrophic vaginitis) is thinning, drying, and inflammation of the vaginal wall.  Vaginal atrophy occurs most often after menopause when a woman has less estrogen. It not only makes intercourse painful but also leads to distressing urinary symptoms.  Because the condition causes both vaginal and urinary symptoms, doctors use the term “genitourinary syndrome of menopause (GSM)” to describe vaginal atrophy and its accompanying symptoms.

Not all menopausal women experience GSM.  Regular sexual activity (with or without a partner) can increase blood flow and help maintain healthy vaginal tissues.  Treatments include vaginal moisturizers, water-based lubricants, topical forms of estrogen, and other therapies.  Seek the advice of a trusted specialist to explore all options.

Vulvodynia

Vulvodynia is chronic vulvar pain without an identifiable cause.  The location, constancy and severity of the pain vary.  Some women experience pain in only one area of the vulva, while others experience pain in multiple areas. The most common reported symptom is burning.  Pain at only one site surrounding the vaginal opening is called localized vulvodynia, or Provoked Vestibulodynia (PVD), and occurs during or after sexual intercourse, tampon insertion, or gynecologic exam.

How Hormones Impact Women’s Sexuality

From: “The Biochemistry of Lust: How Hormones Impact Women’s Sexuality,” Medium, October 6, 2019.

Kaye Smith, Ph.D. tells the story of estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, and DHEA and how hormones work in the female body.  She discusses how much a woman’s desire issues are hormone-related and how hormone replacement (HRT) works.

Differences in Orgasm Frequency – (from study Abstract; see reference above.)

There is a notable gap between heterosexual men and women in the frequency of orgasm during sex.

Researchers examined how 30 different traits or behaviors were associated with frequency of orgasm when sexually intimate during the past month.

Participants included a large U.S. sample of adults (N = 52,588) who identified as heterosexual men (n = 26,032), gay men (n = 452), bisexual men (n = 550), lesbian women (n = 340), bisexual women (n = 1112), and heterosexual women (n = 24,102).

Heterosexual men were most likely to say they usually-always orgasmed when sexually intimate (95%), followed by gay men (89%), bisexual men (88%), lesbian women (86%), bisexual women (66%), and heterosexual women (65%).

Compared to women who orgasmed less frequently, women who orgasmed more frequently were more likely to: receive more oral sex, have longer duration of last sex, be more satisfied with their relationship, ask for what they want in bed, praise their partner for something they did in bed, call/email to tease about doing something sexual, wear sexy lingerie, try new sexual positions, anal stimulation, act out fantasies, incorporate sexy talk, and express love during sex.

Women were more likely to orgasm if their last sexual encounter included deep kissing, manual genital stimulation, and oral sex in addition to vaginal intercourse.

 

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Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships

Why Women Are Bored in Monogamous Relationships

by | Apr 12, 2021 | Relationship Issues, Sexuality, Tips for Couples, Women's Issues

“Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” ~ Mae West

In my last post, (Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Responsive Desire), I shared the advice Emily Nagoski gives to couples to improve their sex life.  Nagoski and other sex educators describe the dominant mode of women’s sexuality as “responsive.”  Women need sufficient sexual stimuli and an appropriate context to move from a place of neutrality to being aroused and desirous of a sexual connection. Nagoski recommends that couples raise their heart rate together or go deeper emotionally to trigger desire instead of creating novelty through new sex toys and techniques.  That is good advice.  But make no mistake, women need more novelty than men in an ongoing sexual relationship.  Men have a lower threshold for sexual motivation and stimulation, and their orgasms are more predictable.  Women need more varied stimulation than men, and their orgasms are definitely not assured.

In fact, there is an emerging trend related to female sexuality in an ongoing relationship.  As the headline from an Atlantic article succinctly put it, women are “The Bored Sex.”

“Female sexual boredom could almost pass for the new beige.” ~Wednesday Martin (Atlantic)

Variety and Novelty – Sex Differences

Men are neurologically built to desire a variety of partners, more so than women.  Women are built to need and want more variety of stimulation (physical and emotional) from one man over time for sexual fulfillment.  In a monogamous pair bond, it is the woman, more often than the man, who will need more diverse stimuli and breaks from routine in order to be aroused and orgasmic.

Mating Science Background

Men want a variety of partners as dictated by the foundational predominance of a short-term sexual mating strategy. (See “Coolidge Effect” in Appendix.)  Women prefer a specific singular partner as dictated by their predominant long-term sexual strategy and need for parental investment.  Alfred Kinsey: “There seems to be no question but that the human male would be promiscuous in his choice of sexual partners throughout the whole of his life if there were no social restrictions.  The human female is much less interested in a variety of partners.”

Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire – Accelerator and Brake

Men (in aggregate) need less variety and novelty in an ongoing sexual relationship than women do because of their predominant “spontaneous” sexual response and a sex drive that accelerates with pursuit.

Women (in aggregate) need more novelty and variety in an ongoing relationship because of the fragility and complexity of their predominant “responsive” desire mechanism that often “brakes” out of caution.  (See Appendix for “Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Mind Responsive Desire” and “Supply and Demand Influences on Responsive Desire.”)

It’s Not the Sex She Wants

Manhattan psychiatrist, Andrew Gotzis, was treating a straight couple in their 40s; they had been together close to 20 years.  They reportedly had sex three times a week.  (Quite above the normal for a couple in a relationship of that duration.) The woman had orgasms but was still dissatisfied.   As Gotzis described the situation, “The problem is not that they are functionally unable to have sex or to have orgasms.  Or frequency.  It’s that the sex they’re having isn’t what she wants.” The woman wants to be wanted by her partner in that “can’t-get-enough-of-each-other-way that experts call “limerence” – the initial period of a relationship when it’s all new and hot.

Habituation to Stimulus

This woman may be an idealist, unrealistic, selfish, or entitled.  But her sexual struggles in a long-term relationship, orgasms, and frequency of sex notwithstanding, make her normal.  Although most people in a sexual partnership end up facing the conundrum biologists call “habituation to stimulus” over time, a growing body of research suggests that heterosexual women are likely to face this problem earlier in a relationship than men. Men seem to manage wanting what they already have, while women struggle with it.

Don’t Move In With Your Boyfriend

In a study of 11,500 British adults aged 16-74,  women were more likely to lose interest in sex after one year of cohabitation.  Newsweek (2017) reported this study and others with the cautionary title addressed to women:  “Moving in with Your Boyfriend Can Kill Your Sex Drive.”   “Women living with a partner were more likely to lack an interest in sex than those in other relationship categories.”

A 2012 study (Journal of Sex Marital Therapy) of 170 men and women aged 18-25 found that women’s desire, not men’s, was negatively affected by relationship duration after controlling for age, relationship satisfaction, and sexual satisfaction.

Female Desire Tanked in Germany and Finland

Two German longitudinal studies, published in 2002 and 2006, showed female desire dropped dramatically after 90 months while male desire held relatively steady.  Women who did not live with their partners seemed to avoid the “effects of overfamiliarity.”

And a seven-year Finnish study (2016) of more than 2,100 women by Annika Gunst found that women’s sexual desire varied depending upon relationship status.  Those in the same relationship reported less desire, arousal, and satisfaction.

Wanting Monogamy and Having Desire Are Different

Many, if not most women, want monogamy.   But as Wednesday Martin wrote for the Atlantic, “wanting monogamy isn’t the same as feeling desire in a long-term monogamous partnership.”

Women’s Lower Baseline Libido

There is evidence that women have a lower baseline libido as measured by the frequency of sexual thoughts, fantasies, masturbation, and desire for sexual activity.  Psychiatrist and sexual health practitioner Elisabeth Gordon reported that women disproportionately presented with a lower sexual desire than their male partners after a year or more and in the longer term.  (See “Sex Drive Defined” in Appendix.)

Just Not the Same Sex Over and Over

However, Gordon says women “regularly start relationships equally excited for sex.”  As Martin puts it, “women in long-term, committed heterosexual partnerships might think they’ve gone off sex – but it’s more that they’ve gone off the same sex with the same person over and over.

“When couples want to remain in a monogamous relationship, a key component of treatment is to help couples add novelty,” Gordon advised.  (Women are the primary consumers of sex-related technology, lubricants, and of course, lingerie.)

Long-term Relationships Are Rough On Female Desire

Author and sex researcher Marta Meana says, “long-term relationships are rough on desire, especially female desire.”  Meana and colleague Karen Sims conducted a qualitative study on 19 married women (Journal of Sexual Martial therapy) and found that most women were pleased with their partners – just not their sex lives.  Three interrelated reasons emerged to explain participants’ loss of libido.

Three Reasons for Female Libido Loss

While female sexuality generally prefers emotional connection and familiarity to thrive, Meana discovered that institutionalization of the relationship, overfamiliarity, and de-sexualization of roles in a long-term heterosexual partnership could mess with female passion.

1. Institutionalization

For many of the women studied by Meana and Sims, marital sex was a snooze.  They were simply bored with the routine of ever-available marital sex. As described by Kaye Smith in Married Women Talk About Why They Don’t Want Sex, “bed-breaking premarital sex can dwindle to Saturday morning missionary-only encounters hurriedly sandwiched between Junior’s soccer game and Fluffy’s deworming.”  It is too sanitized and socially sanctioned.  And obligation to have sex is a guaranteed buzzkill.  If you are expected to make your partner sexually happy, it is a turn-off.

2. Familiarity Breeds Contempt

The second issue that the women complained about was over-familiarity.  It was the romance of early love, the pre-relationship dating days with all its novelty, anticipation, and uncertainty that they longed for the most.  “Familiarity breeds contempt” is never more true than in the bedroom.  Another buzzkill is doing the same thing, the same way, every time.   One woman in the Meana study said:  “When you are married, you know exactly how your husband is going to touch you.  There is a comfort with each other, but it’s not as exciting . . . the desire is lost.”   Many women talked about how they could predict what their husbands would do next and in what order.

“You Just Gotta Stop”

As one exasperated 33-year old woman told her husband: “things like grabbing me and touching me would really get me excited (in the past).  But doing the same things now completely turn me off.   “You cannot just grab my breast like that anymore – it no longer turns me on – you just gotta stop.”

If you know what will happen next, your brain (and other body parts) say “why bother?” Desire is fueled by the neurotransmitter dopamine, which rises in response to novelty and anticipation.

3. De-sexualization of Roles and Maternal Sensory Overload

Most of the women spoke of being absolutely depleted by their to-do list.  And sex did not have priority on that list. (This is evidence of responsive desire).  Also, many felt there was an incompatibility between the role of mom and the role of “vixen.”  Interestingly, for mothers of small children, the constant tactile demands of caring for a child left them feeling “over-touched” – on sensory overload – and not in the mood for more skin contact.

Paradox and Complexity of Female Desire

Female sexual response is fragile and complex with opposing or paradoxical elements active, side-by-side, at any given moment. Female desire is enhanced by arousing ambivalence but in a manageable way.  Too much ambivalence, and you are left to feel too anxious; too little, and you are bored.

Women Want to Be Wanted More than Anything Else

Smith says women are socialized to romanticize sex.  Women want to be wanted – often more than anything else.  Women fantasize about being the object of a hot stud’s desire (ala Fifty Shades of Grey).  But, in being the object, women paradoxically assume power.  The rape fantasy is all about being desired; it is NOT about being defeated or abused.

What Can Be Done to Turn Women On?

Certainly, socializing women to be passive in the bedroom doesn’t work and leads to sexual disappointment and boredom.  There is still an education problem.  Women are not told about their anatomy; they masturbate less than men and often have sex based on what works for men.  (According to research, only 29% of women always have an orgasm during sexual intercourse, in comparison to 75% of men.)

Life-Long Hot Sex is Not Realistic

The idea that life-long love means nonstop hot sex is probably not realistic either.  (Nor does it comport with biological imperatives and hormonal shifts in long-term relationships, especially  relationships with children.)  Smith suggests, “if we could just lighten up about sex – see it as adult play perhaps – we would be better off.”

Mating in Captivity – the Polarity of Female Desire

Esther Perel (Mating In Captivity) brilliantly explains the polarities animating human sexual desire, especially for women.  “Desire is fueled by the unknown, and for that reason, it’s inherently anxiety-producing.  Eroticism resides in the ambiguous space between anxiety and fascination.  Without an element of uncertainty, there is no longing, no anticipation, no fission.”

Fundamental Needs Seeking Reconciliation

Two fundamental human needs seek reconciliation.  On the one hand, we need security, predictability, safety, and dependability.  We require reliability and permanence; all of these are anchoring, grounding experiences in our lives.  This anchoring is especially necessary for women as predicted by evolutionary science and a woman’s mating strategy designed to protect children.

But we have an equally strong need for adventure, novelty, mystery, and risk.  We are stimulated by a little “danger,” the unknown, the unexpected.  Surprise turns us on.  Taking a “journey” together (actual travel) is often good for our sex lives.

From Passionate to Intentional Sexuality

“Erotic couples know how to manage the transition from passionate sexuality to intentional sexuality,” says Perel.  “They understand that it not only takes work but also creativity – like when you want a beautiful meal rather than just a quick bite.” Emilly Nagoski describes “context appointments” and “windows of willingness.” (See Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Responsive Desire).  She often tells women:  “You don’t have to be horny first.  You don’t have to crave sex before you start having sex.  You just have to be willing to try some intimate contact with pleasure as the only goal.”

Remain Curious, My Friend

Sexual boredom can only happen when you are no longer curious, says author Jack Morin (The Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment).  So, here’s to continued curiosity about the enigma and beauty of female desire.  I will never get bored with that.

My Next Post

My next post will continue the theme of female sexual boredom and dissatisfaction by explaining the problems of 1) “sex-is-intercourse,” 2) “clitphobia,” 3) sexual “lockjaw,” 4) the orgasm gap, and 5) “male sex deficit.”  Stayed tuned for that!

 
References

Sims, K. & Meana, M.; “Why did passion wane? A qualitative study of married women’s attributions for declines in sexual desire.”  Journal of Sex Marital Therapy; 2010, 36 (4) 360-380.

Murray, S. & Milhausen, R.; “Sexual desire and relationship duration in young men and women.” Journal of Sex Marital Therapy. 2012; 38 (1) 28-40.

Appendix

The “Coolidge Effect”

The story is told that President Coolidge and the first lady were given separate tours of newly formed government farms.  Upon passing the chicken coops and noticing a rooster copulating with a hen, Mrs. Coolidge inquired about how often the rooster performed this duty.  “Dozens of times each day,” replied the guide.  Mrs. Coolidge asked the guide to “please mention this fact to the president.”  When the president passed by later and was informed of the sexual vigor of the rooster, he asked, “always with the same hen?”  “Oh no,” the guide replied, “a different one each time.”  “Please tell that to Mrs. Coolidge,” said the president.

And so the Coolidge Effect was named, referring to the tendency of males to be sexually re-aroused upon the presentation of novel females, giving them a further impulse to gain sexual access to multiple women.  The Coolidge Effect is a widespread mammalian trait that has been documented many times.  Male rats, rams, cattle, and sheep all show the effect.   Men across cultures show the Coolidge Effect.

Sex Drive Defined

Sex drive is commonly defined as the frequency of sexual thoughts, frequency of masturbation, interest in sexual activity with another person, frequency of intercourse in a specified period, desire for multiple sex partners, habits of pornography use, response to erotic images in everyday life, and frequency and nature of sexual fantasies. 

Sex is not really a drive, according to Emily Nagoski (Come As You Are, 2015), because it is not necessary for personal survival.  She calls it an “incentive motivation system.”  But calling sexual desire a motivation system and not a drive (which takes away the pejorative label of dysfunction for women) does not change the fact that men think about and have the urge to engage in sexual behavior (all components above) more than women, primarily because of greater levels of testosterone and the accompanying power of their predominant short-term mating strategy.

Out-of-Sight-Out-of-Mind Responsive Desire

Female “responsive” desire must be “woken up” by direct, in-coming stimulation.  Women have a greater capacity than men to experience out-of-sight-out-of-mind concerning their sexual desire, partly because of the differences in visual sexual triggers. 

Related to “out-of-mind,” women may not be dramatically bothered by their desire loss.  That “meta-emotion” (feeling about a feeling) might depend upon the degree of parental energy expended by the woman and the degree to which her safety and security needs are met. 

Supply and Demand Influences on Responsive Desire

Sex for most women is an abundant resource; it is not in short supply.  It is a need (within the confines of self-imposed selective preferences) that can almost always be met.  Therefore, there is no need to attend to it.  Out-of-sight, out-of-mind makes sense.  If the refrigerator is full, there is no need to fantasize or strategize about how to get food.  If there is a man “pulling up” (like a bus) every five minutes, there is no need to worry about missing or choosing not to take the last bus. 

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Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Female Responsive Desire

Turn Off the Brakes! Making the Most of Female Responsive Desire

by | Mar 29, 2021 | Relationship Issues, Sexuality, Tips for Couples, Women's Issues

Sexuality, Women’s Issues, Relationship Issues, and Tips for Couples

In her landmark book, Come As You Are,  Emily Nagoski describes the central sexual response mechanism in the brains of men and women.   There is a sexual excitation system (SES) or “accelerator” that is dominant in most males. The sexual excitation system often activates male sexual desire.  It has a sense of urgency, eagerness, and passion – men pursue under its influence. Nagoski calls this “spontaneous” desire.

Foot Brake and Hand Brake

Females most often operate out of their sexual inhibition system.  This system notices all potential threats in the environment and sends a signal from the brain to the genitals to “turn-off” for fear of consequences.  Nagoski calls this the “foot brake.”  But there is also a “hand brake” activated by the fear of performance or a combination of mental chatter, stressors, and self-consciousness.  When the female sexual inhibition system is relatively quiet, women most often function from a state of responsive desire. 

Responsive Desire Moves from Place of Neutrality

Responsive desire occurs when one is willing to engage in sex, although not initially feeling desire or sexual arousal.  With sufficient sexual stimuli and an appropriate context, responsive desire allows a woman to move from a place of neutrality to being aroused and desirous of a sexual connection. 

Responsive Desire Emerges from Pleasure

Some women may be taught (or just believe) that desire is supposed to “arrive” spontaneously, as it often does for men.   Desire can arise in anticipation of pleasure, but Nagoski says responsive sexual desire emerges in response to pleasure.  The key to making the most of responsive desire is to maximize pleasure.

Ten Ways to Maximize Responsive Desire

(Adapted from 10 Tips for Making the Most of Responsive Desire by Emily Nagoski)

1. Put pleasure at the center of your sexual well-being.

It is not important how much you “crave” sex, how often you have sex, or how many orgasms you have.  For Nagoski, the only meaningful question is:

“How much do you like the sex you are having?”

“Because responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure, it functions best when you put pleasure at the center of your definition of sexual well-being,” says Nagoski.  Pleasure is the measure of your sexual satisfaction. 

Sensations Depend Upon the Context

Whether or not a sensation feels good depends upon the context.  For instance, tickling:  if you are in a playful and flirting state of mind, tickling from a specific someone might feel good and be fun – and lead to more things that feel good.  But if that person tries to tickle you when you are angry at them, it will not feel good at all.

A Key Take-away
“Know which contexts allow your brain to interpret sensations as erotic.”

The best context typically has low stress, high affection, high trust, and explicit eroticism.

2. Evaluate your contexts.

Nagoski identifies five categories of context to assess both your best and your most lack-luster sexual experiences.

In her worksheets, she asks the reader to write down as many details as can be remembered about both experiences and identify the specific aspects of each context.  What made the experience fantastic, or what caused the experience to suck?  What made it good or bad in each of the five categories of context?

Five Categories of Context

1. Mental and Physical Well-being: physical health, body image, mood, anxiety, distractibility, and worry about sexual functioning.

2. Partner characteristics: physical appearance, physical health, smell, mental state of your partner (or the attributes of yourself at that moment if you are “your own partner.”)

3. Relationship characteristics: trust, power dynamic, emotional connection, feeling desired, and frequency of sex.

4. Setting: private/public; at home, work, or vacation; distance sex (phone chat); seeing your partner do something positive like interacting with family or doing work.

5. Other life circumstances: work-related stress, family-related stress, a holiday, anniversary, or “occasion;” self-guided fantasy, partner-guided fantasy (“talking dirty”), body parts that were touched or not; oral sex on you/on partner; intercourse, etc.

3. Assess your brakes and accelerator.

As described earlier, the sexual response mechanism in your brain has two parts: a sexual accelerator which notices all the sexually relevant stimulation, and sexual brakes, which detects potential threats or other reasons not to be turned on.  For example, the accelerator notices sexy sounds, sights (very potent for men), and sensations in the “right” context. 

Too Much Stimulation of the Brakes

The brakes notice that there is a risk of kids interrupting or worries about how your body looks.  These brakes-hitting contextual factors are extremely important!  When a woman struggles with sexual pleasure, it is more often because there is too much stimulation to the brakes!

Identify What Hits Your Brakes

Identifying the things that hit your brakes is an essential step in creating a context that allows you to experience pleasure – that lets desire emerge in response to that pleasure.

Review your positive and negative contexts and notice what aspects of the context seem likely to activate your accelerator.  But most importantly, identify what aspects of the context seem likely to hit your brakes.

4. Make context appointments.

Make a concrete, specific plan to create a positive context for yourself and your partner.  You are not setting an appointment to have sex; you are setting an appointment to spend some time together in that context. Decide what the context should be and whose responsibility it is to create various aspects of it.

No Secret Expectations

Set a time and date.  Agree on what you will do.  Neither partner must bring a secret expectation that these are actually “sex appointments” disguised as “connection appointments.”  For responsive desire people, the fastest way to shut down pleasure and desire is to create a feeling of expectation or obligation.

5. Identify and engage in “windows of willingness.”

Related to context appointments, identify times when you are open to a certain level of affection like kissing, hugging, sitting side-by-side, or holding hands. These are your “windows of willingness” – times when you might perceive the world as safe, trustworthy, and affectionate. 

Gradations of Sensual – Sexual Behaviors

Nagoski gives a list of things you might be willing to do inside the window – from hugging to kissing or touching from the waist up to various forms of genital touching.  Each partner may have a separate list of what they are willing to do or receive during this window.  There must be a congruence and a match of preferences. 

Consent Can Be Sexy

A clarity of verbal consent characterizes the “willingness” window.  The willingness-consent conversation can be erotic by itself and help create a good context.  Asking permission and granting permission can be pretty sexy!

Learn How You Respond to Different Contexts

Decide how frequent (and how long) the window will be: three times a day, once a day, three times a week, once a week, once a month, etc.  Nagoski suggests that a couple experiment with windows of willingness for a week, a month, or however long it takes for them to learn how their bodies respond to different contexts. Notice what works and what doesn’t work.  Adjust your windows as you go, looking for more and more pleasurable contexts.

6. Make out like teenagers!

Relationship researcher John Gottman recommends that couples share a daily six-second kiss.  Six seconds. This kiss is dramatically different from the typical “bye, see you tonight” kiss. 

Six Seconds Is Long Enough to Have Impact

Six seconds is too long, says Nagoski, to kiss someone you resent or dislike. It is far too long to kiss someone with whom you feel unsafe.  “Kissing for sex seconds requires that you stop and notice that you like this person, that you trust them, and that you feel affection for them.”  (If you do not like or trust your partner, then responsive desire is not the difficulty you are dealing with in your sex life.)

Oh, To Be Teenagers Again

What if you shared a six-minute kiss every day?  What if you spent six minutes with your hands and mouth on your partner, with the mutual agreement that kissing is all that you would do?  This physical connection is not a preamble to sex.  It is just a few minutes of reminding yourself that affectionate touch feels good.  Remember, pleasure is the measure of sexual well-being.  Perhaps early in your sexual development, you made out for minutes or even hours before having any genital contact.  As teenagers or young adults, we noticed the pleasure of that kind of touching.

7. Make some things off-limits.

Going along with “windows of willingness,” couples often benefit from taking away the pressure to “perform” by making certain things against the “rules.”  For example, if you worry that intercourse will be expected if you begin kissing and hugging, make a rule that intercourse is entirely off the table for a week, a month, three months, or just for that day.

It is worth noting that making things off-limits can heighten anticipation and eventual pleasure.  That kind of “teasing” can be very juicy sex-play!

8. Raise your heart rate together or go “deeper” emotionally.

Most of the sex advice in pop culture is about novelty – try new positions, new techniques, new toys, new porn, or even new partners.  There is no disputing the value of novelty for triggering desire, especially for women.*  (Men are especially wired for the novelty of new partners.) When the brain is exposed to a stimulus for the first time, it will react more intensely than it does to stimulation that it is accustomed to. 

Novel Strategies

But novelty doesn’t have to involve new toys and techniques.  Here are two strategies that can generate novelty.  (Granted, these may be new behaviors.)

Strategy 1:  Do anything that raises your heart rate.  Exercise together. Watch an exciting or scary movie.  Go to big concerts or political rallies.  Do anything that gets your heart pounding.  Take long, fast hikes.  Ride a rollercoaster together.  Your brain will notice your level of excitement, see the person you are with and decide, “Hey, I guess this person is really exciting!”  (These methods increase the accelerator more than decrease the brakes.)

Strategy 2: Go deeper emotionally into your relationship.  Dare to be vulnerable.  Keep the lights on.  Keep your eyes open.  Disclose more.  This kind of emotional “novelty” may enhance your pleasure and desire.

9. Face the “The Wall” together.

When couples are stuck around sexual desire, they may experience what Nagoski calls “The Wall.”  This is the feeling you get when you have considered arranging appointments or “windows of willingness,” and something inside you just withdraws.  You do not feel curiosity,  hope, or even neutrality. Instead, you feel dread or resentment. 

Turn Toward “The Wall” with Curiosity

Nagoski recommends a kind of “gestalt conversation” with “The Wall.”  Turn toward it (as John Gottman might say), lean into it, and ask what it is trying to protect you from.  What does it need?  To face the wall requires an attitude of patience and curiosity. Nagoski suggests that The Wall will gradually tell you what it needs.  Don’t try to bash it down before you are ready.  Stick with levels of intimacy that feel safe or just a tiny bit too risky.  Be gentle and kind with each other.

10. Go to a “party” of your choosing.

Sex therapist Christine Hyde suggests (as an analogy) that you think about a party invitation you receive from a good friend.  You might think of ten reasons not to go (what a hassle!), but you go anyway because a good friend asked.  You get to the party and then, (surprise, surprise) you have a good time!

Create a Party that You Will Enjoy

Don’t ask yourself, “how can I make myself go to more parties?”  The question to ask is:  “What kind of parties do I enjoy attending?”  There is no right or wrong kind of party.   There is just the kind of social experience that is right for you.  So,

 What kind of sex is worth having for you?

What kind of sex is worth setting aside all of your duties and distractions?  When you answer that question, your foot and hand will come off the brakes. Responsive desire will be free to roam “about the cabin.”

 

Conclusion and Summary
  • Responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure. Spontaneous desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure.  Both are normal.
  • Put pleasure at the center of your definition of sexual well-being, and allow desire to emerge from pleasure.
  • Sexual pleasure, especially for women, is context-dependent. Sensations only feel pleasurable and give rise to desire in a sex-positive context; for most people, that means low stress, high affection, high trust, and explicitly erotic.
  • Most difficulties with pleasure and desire are related to too much “braking” rather than not enough “accelerating.”
  • Couples who maintain strong sexual connections over multiple decades share two traits: 1) they have a strong friendship at the foundation of their relationship, and 2) they prioritize sex. They decide that it is essential for the relationship to spend some alone time together, skin to skin, connected in an intimate, personal, and playful way.
Related Posts

Spontaneous and Response Desire — the Underbelly of Heterosexual Mating 

Is Your Sexual Foot On the Accelerator or Brake?

Note

*My next post (April 13) will explain why women are sexually “bored.”

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“Tips for Couples” – Co-creation and Advice from John and Julie Gottman

“Tips for Couples” – Co-creation and Advice from John and Julie Gottman

by | Mar 16, 2021 | Tips for Couples

   Love’s secret is always lifting its head out from under the covers — ‘Here I am!’ ~ Rumi

 

I am excited to share the wisdom of relationship experts in my new blog space, Tips for Couples. If you like “top ten” lists or bite-size pieces of advice, you will enjoy this new category. Presented primarily as fundamental laws or “commandments,” these ideas, if internalized, can bring relationship satisfaction and harmony. Some of the ideas will seem obvious or basic. The power comes from allowing the idea to penetrate with honest reflection. Common sense is not common practice. Relationship experts made these suggestions with that in mind.

Tips for Couples will help me realize one piece of my mission: “to bridge the best of couple’s psychotherapy and sexual psychology to address pressing and recurring opportunities in ongoing relationship satisfaction.”  I will continue to post content in the Relationship Issues category to “explore and bring clarity to issues of gender politics and the tension between men women related to roles, power, and sexual strategies.” But unlike Relationship Issues, Tips for Couples will offer more direct suggestions for behavior and attitude change. As I post in Tips for Couples, I may chime in with commentary on what the experts say.

Co-Creative Relationship

One of the stated assumptions of Mating Straight Talk is that men and women need radical honesty  “to empower one another for co-creative relationships.” Going forward in Tips for Couples, I will underscore and define the concept of a “co-creative” relationship described 30 years ago by Susan Campbell in The Couple’s Journey.

Three Pillars for Co-Creation

 My interpretation of a “co-creative” relationship rests on three pillars:

  1. Most importantly, the first pillar is the quality of face-to-face intimacy. As depicted by my website’s hero image, the first pillar is looking at one another with presence, acceptance, and honesty.
  1. Being a couple is an amalgamation of forces — not only of attachment but also differentiation. The second pillar is looking away from one another (“back-to-back”) in those moments of individual growth as a separate person – doing your own thing and filling up your cup of energy and creativity to bring back to the relationship.
  1. There is also being side-by-side, looking out together at the same field of shared purpose – working together for a greater good and often for something bigger than the couple itself. That is the third pillar and ultimate act of co-creation.

While Tips for Couples will focus most on the quality of face-to-face connection, you will see the background of all three pillars in the expert wisdom presented.

So, let’s get started.

 

The Ten Commandments of Couple Relationships – John and Julie Gottman*
  1. “Thou shalt treat your partner as an equal, communicating respect, admiration, and affection all of your days.
  1. Thou shalt often ask open-ended questions of your partner to update your knowledge of your partner’s inner world and continually create a sense of shared meaning and life purpose with your partner.
  1. Thou shalt turn toward your partner’s bids for emotional connection with your attention, interest, conversation, humor, emotional support, and intimacy at least 86% of the time. [John Gottman is a precise researcher.]
  1. Thou shalt play and have fun and adventure together all your days.
  1. Thou shall not avoid conflict, but instead, deal with conflict constructively and cooperatively while avoiding the attack-defend mode as much as possible.
  1. Thou shall diligently repair regrettable incidents that will inevitably happen in your relationship by stating your feelings and needs gently and listening empathically and non-defensively to your partner.
  1. Thou shall know and honor your partner’s life dreams.
  1. Thou shall continue to court your partner and build romance, passion, and a personal sexual connection (so your sex is often love-making).
  1. Thou shall not covet anything that is thy neighbor’s (especially they neighbor’s partner) or compare your partner unfavorably to real or imagined others (thus nurturing resentment). Instead, thou shalt cherish your partner (thus nurturing gratitude); thou shall invest in your relationship; thou shall denigrate alternative relationships, and thou shall put a wide fence between yourself and other emotional or sexual entanglements. [I do not support the denigration of other people or alternative lifestyles and do not think that is what the Gottmans mean in this context. SF]
  1. Thou shall not commit adultery. It’s really not worth it, and it’s damn hard to repair.”

So what ideas from this post resonate with you as significant for your growth edge? Which pillar most draws your attention? Which commandments are easy for your flow as a couple? Which commandments do you need to work on? Thank you for “turning toward” my curiosity and posting a comment.

-Notes

*From Ten Commandments for Every Aspect of Your Relationship Journey (2012), edited by Jeffrey Zeig and Tami Kulbatski.

John Gottman, Ph.D. is world-renowned for his work on marital stability and divorce prediction.  He is the author or co-author of 200 published academic articles and 40 books, including the bestselling, The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work.   He is co-founder of the Gottman Relationship Institute with his wife, Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman.  Julie Gottman is a widely recognized expert on marriage, sexual harassment and rape, domestic violence, gay and lesbian adoption, same-sex marriage, and parenting issues.

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Once the Flirting Is Over – Humor in Ongoing Relationships

Once the Flirting Is Over – Humor in Ongoing Relationships

by | Mar 2, 2021 | Dating & Mating Economy, Humor, Relationship Issues, Tips for Couples

   It was the way you laughed….I knew I wanted that in my life. ~ R.M. Drake

Humor is valued for mates worldwide.  There is abundant cross-cultural evidence that being funny makes you more desirable as a mate, especially if you are a man.  Humor production by men signals creativity, playfulness, mental health, potential generosity, intelligence, and genetic fitness.  During courtship, men produce humor to attract women. 

For courtship and mate selection, women prefer men who make them laugh and men like women who laugh at their jokes.  Women want a humor “generator.”  Men want a humor “appreciator.”  But once the initial flirting and choosing are over and you are in an ongoing romantic relationship, how large a role does humor play?

Laughter as Medicine in Human Relating

Humor in ongoing relationships rests on a foundation of general benefits to human beings. In addition to being a  “signal device” for mate selection,  humor and laughter have a two-fold purpose:

1. Physical benefits: laughter releases endorphins (“feel-good” neurotransmitters), boosts immunity, relaxes muscles, aids circulation, increases oxygen to the brain, lowers anxiety, and protects against heart disease.  (After his heart attack, Norman Cousins purportedly extended his life ten years by watching the antics of the Marx Brothers.)

2. Emotional benefits: laughter bonds people through prosocial behavior and is remarkably contagious as a distinguishing feature among human beings.  Robert Provine, Ph.D., University of Maryland, says laughter is more about relationships than humor.

Humor in Established Relationships 

When it comes to long-term relationships and marriage, both men and women may be equally motivated to be funny.  Humor on the part of both partners affects the quality of their relationship.  

Soothing Each Other vs. Winning a Mate

There is a difference between winning a mate and keeping a mate.  As a relationship develops, humor becomes more about soothing each other and less about winning each other.  The typical sex roles in humor tend to reverse. 

Humor Styles in Relationships

Humor researcher Rod Martin developed the widely-used Humor Styles Questionnaire to assess how people use humor in their daily life.  This assessment identifies four humor styles:

1. Affiliative humor: the tendency to share humor with others, tell jokes and funny stories, make others laugh, and use humor to facilitate relationships and put others at ease.

2. Self-enhancing humor: the tendency to maintain a humorous outlook on life even when alone and use humor to cope with stress and “cheer-up” oneself.

3. Aggressive humor: the tendency to use humor to disparage, put down, or manipulate others; use ridicule, offensive humor; potentially use sexist or racist jokes.

4. Self-defeating humor:  the tendency to amuse others at one’s own expense, self-disparaging humor; laughing along with others when being ridiculed or teased; using humor to hide one’s true feelings from self and others.

Affiliative Humor is Satisfying

Martin and research colleagues recorded couples having live conversations and found that affiliative humor was associated with relationship satisfaction, whereas aggressive humor was related to relationship dissatisfaction.

Humor Diffuses Conflict in Married Couples

Relationship expert John Gottman found that when humor plays a role in diffusing tension and conflict, marriages tend to last longer. Additional studies show that people who joke with their spouses in everyday situations tend to be happier in their marriage than couples who don’t.

A playful and humorous frame of mind (“self-enhancing” style) is protective, even when spouses disagree about what they find funny.

Male Humor During Stress May Be Harmful

Psychologists Thomas Bradbury of the University of California, Los Angeles and Catherine Cohan of Pennsylvania State University analyzed the marriages of 60 couples over 18 months.  They found the use of humor by men during the time of significant life stressors, such as job loss or a death in the family, was associated with adverse relationship outcomes. According to Bradbury and Cohan, when the man used humor during times of stress, couples experienced a greater incidence of divorce and separation than couples in which the woman reverted to humor under such circumstances.  They speculated that the more aggressive humor of males might be inappropriate in stressful situations. 

Humor to Calm the Husband

In a similar study with 130 married couples, a wife’s use of humor predicted greater marital stability over six years, but only if the humor led to a decrease in the husband’s heart rate.   If humor calms husbands, then it might be beneficial to marriages.   Perhaps the more soothing style of female humor serves to better bond partners during these times.   

Sex Difference in Use of Humor

These two studies show the disparate function of humor for men and women. For men, humor might serve as a way to distract from dealing with problems in the relationship, perhaps in an attempt to reduce their anxiety. On the other hand, women may use humor to create a more relaxed atmosphere that can facilitate reconciliation.

It appears male humor is better designed to win attention and affection, while female humor is better designed to maintain affection.

Humorous Partner Remains More Important to Women

In a study conducted with 3,000 married couples from five countries (United States, United Kingdom, China, Turkey, and Russia), both husbands and wives were happier with a humorous partner.  Still, this trait was reported to be more important for the marital satisfaction of the wives than the husbands.  (Thus, male humor remains important to women after courtship and mate selection.)   Interestingly, both husbands and wives thought that the husband was humorous more often.  Married couples overwhelmingly say that humor has a positive impact on their marriages.  This study also found that couples with fewer children laugh more than couples with a larger number of children.  

Men Who Enjoy Women’s Humor May Be More Secure

To say that men don’t seek a funny mate is “painting with a broad brush,” says Don Nilsen, a linguistics professor at Arizona State University and humor expert.  Nilsen argues that men who appreciate their female partner’s humor are usually more secure, mature, and educated than the average guy. They hold their mates in high esteem and aren’t intimidated.  A woman would do well to find a man who enjoys her humor, says Nilsen, because that’s an indication of his own self-esteem and willingness to be supportive.

Fear, Joy, and the Pleasure of Ridiculing Others

Researchers Kay Brauer and René T. Proyer studied 154 heterosexual couples and identified three traits around humor that predict both positive and negative outcomes for relationship satisfaction:

1. Fear of being laughed at (gelotophobia)

2. Joy of being laughed at (gelotophilia) 

3. Pleasure derived from laughing or ridiculing others (katagelasticism).

Joy of Being Laughed At Can Be Positive

As reported in the Journal of Research in Personality (2018), Brauer and Proyer found that women who liked being teased (gelotophilia) showed greater fascination, appreciation, and sense of togetherness with their male partners.  Brauer and Proyer argue that women enjoy playfulness from men if it is not ridiculing; it is seen as an indicator of lower aggression. 

But Teasing is Not Good for Gelotophobes

People who don’t enjoy being teased don’t thrive among those who are “funny” by nature. They (gelotophobes) tend to distrust “lightness or silliness,” says Proyer, making them prone to disagreements with their partners based on misunderstandings and misinterpretations.  Proyer advises gelotophobes to date people with similar personalities while also trying to build up “more positive experiences with laughter.” 

Sexual Satisfaction and Humor Traits

Bauer and Proyer also reported that male partners were less satisfied with their sex life if their partner was afraid of being laughed at.  Apparently their partner’s insecurities make them less appealing. In contrast, women who loved being laughed at were more attracted to and enjoyed higher sexual satisfaction with their partner.

Pair Up With a Similar Comedic Sensibility

Fundamentally, Proyer suggests it may be best if people pair up with those who have a similar comedic sensibility. If they are aligned, no matter how funny or somber they are, they’re more likely to have a workable relationship.

What Does Sense of Humor Mean?

When people say that they want to be with someone who has a sense of humor, they don’t necessarily mean someone who laughs at the same things. They mean someone who has a positive attitude and can see good where others might tend to see the negative, complain or feel overwhelmed.  They want someone with a “self-enhancing” style.

Being Attracted to the Same Type of Humor is a Bonus

Although not a deal-breaker, relationships may be enhanced if partners are attracted to the same kinds of humor.

We found that married couples who shared a similar style of humor tended to have happier and more successful relationships in their first few years of marriage.  ~ Study by eharmony 

Types of Humor – Which Ones Do You Share With Your Partner?

According to research by the dating site eharmony and a comedy training offered online (Udemy) by Phillipe Schaffer, there are approximately 12 types of humor.  They are not mutually exclusive; they often present in combination.  What do you and your partner find funny?  

The Not-So-Dirty Funny Dozen

1. Physical humor:
Also referred to as slapstick, this type of humor involves physicality – from clowns to mimes to funny facial expressions to someone falling over.

2. Self-deprecating humor:
This type is a favorite among stand-up comedians; making yourself the butt of a joke.

3. Surreal humor:

This humor is weird, with illogical events, absurd situations, or nonsensical themes. Or just plain silly.  It may include a non-sequitur (inference that does follow logically).

 4. Improvisational humor:

This is comedy without a plan — jokes made up on the spot. 

 5. Wit-Wordplay humor:

This type of humor uses a play on words — twisting language around with humorous results.  Puns are a typical example of wordplay.

 6. Satire:

Satire uses irony, sarcasm, and caricature to highlight real-life vices and flaws.    (Irony is saying something and meaning the opposite; or an outcome that is the opposite of what is expected.)

5. Parody:

Parody humor mocks something through imitation and may use elements of satire (such as sarcasm and irony). 

6. Topical humor:
Topical humor is based on current events or trends (Saturday Night Live, especially Weekend Update).  Most sketch comedy shows or late-night talk shows are topical. 

7. Observational humor:
This humor pokes fun at everyday life.   Jokes about sex and relationships are often observational and highlight uncomfortable or embarrassing truths.

10. Bodily humor:
This humor has everything to do with bodily functions. It tends to be popular with men and teenagers.

11. Dark humor: 
Also called black comedy or gallows humor, this type involves serious, morbid, or depressing themes and often uses deadpan, self-deprecation, or satire to mock a terrible situation or possibility.

“Cremation: my last hope for a smoking hot body.”

12.   Deadpan humor:
Dry humor, defined more by its delivery – with no change in emotion.  The incongruence of the delivery to the content is what is funny.

Sense of Humor Mismatch

Not sharing a sense of humor isn’t always a problem for couples, but it can be. If you and your partner don’t usually find the same things funny, watch for the signs (below) of serious incompatibility.

If your partner doesn’t get your jokes, that is one thing.  But if you feel like your partner doesn’t get “you,” that is another, much more serious, issue. Your partner doesn’t have to sit on the couch and laugh at Saturday Night Live with you, but if they sigh and roll their eyes every time they see you watching Saturday Night Live, you could have a problem.

Aggressive Humor Against Partner is a Bad Sign

You definitely have a problem if your partner’s sense of humor frequently makes you feel:

  • insecure
  • put down, judged, or devalued
  • patronized
  • excluded
  • offended

If you often feel this way when your partner is trying to be funny (or, incidentally, at other times), you should question how compatible you truly are and whether this relationship is healthy for you. 

What’s the bottom line about love and laughing?

Whether your relationship works well probably has less to do with whether you always laugh at the same things than whether you:

  • communicate well
  • respect and affirm each other
  • find each other attractive
  • enjoy spending time together
  • resolve your differences effectively

If you don’t share a sense of humor, but you love being with your partner, take heart!  Your relationship is probably on solid ground. Over time, you may even find yourself laughing at more of the same things. Humor compatibility and shared jokes often develop organically over time.

Humor Created Together

Humor created by a couple together may be more important than appreciating humor overall.

Jeffrey Hall at the University of Kansas looked at the results of 39 studies on humor that included over 15 thousand people and couples worldwide. 

Hall found that what matters is the humor that couples create together: sharing funny stories about your day, remembering things you think your partner would find funny, or having a storehouse of inside jokes.  It’s not about being a great comedian, but finding what’s funny in every day and enjoying it together.

The bottom line is it is good to have humor.  It’s better to see it in your partner. And it’s best to share it.

 Humor for Mate Selection and Relationship Maintenance – Overview
chart describing humor in human mating
References

Cohan, C.L., & Bradbury, T. N. (1997)  “Negative life events, marital interaction, and the longitudinal course of newlywed marriage.”  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 73(1), 144-128.

Li, N. et al. (2009). “An evolutionary perspective on humor: Sexual selection or interest indication?”  Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 35, 923-936.

 Martin, R.A. (2006). The Psychology of Humor: An Integrative Approach.

Campbell, L., Martin, R.A., & Ward, J.A. (2008).  “An observational study of humor used during a conflict discussion.  Personal Relationships, 15, 41-55.

Appendix
Summary of Prior Post – Humor and Sexual Selection
  • Humor is valued for mates worldwide.
  • Men produce humor to attract women. Men are motivated to be funny.
  • Humor production by men signals creativity, playfulness, mental health, potential generosity, intelligence, and genetic fitness.
  • Women want a humor “generator.” Men want a humor “appreciator.”
  • Men find women more attractive when they laugh.
  • Females are more discriminating (more “choosey”) than men about humor.
  • Female laughter is a signal of sexual interest.
  • Judgments of humor are affected by the person’s initial attraction and interest.
  • Humor is most effective if a person (she) is already attracted to the person (man).
  • Synchronized laughter predicted mutual attraction, but the amount of female laughter predicted the level of interest in dating.
  • Women do not have a preference for humorous female friends.
  • When ovulating, women may prefer funny “poor” men for short-term liaisons over non-funny (richer) men.
  • Women laugh more generally, and both sexes laugh more at men.
  • In mixed company, women tease more generally and direct more teasing toward men.
  • Aggressive humor by women may be a threat to men.
  • Women and men are equally funny and appreciate humor equally.
  • Women use more stories, narratives, puns, and self-deprecating humor.
  • Men use more one-liners and physical/active humor.
  • Men tease other men to gain the upper hand; men use humor to derogate rivals.
  • Men who cause other men to laugh in mixed company have increased status.
  • Self-deprecating humor is considered most attractive, especially for a high-status man.
  • Sarcasm or ridicule of others is considered the least attractive humor.
  • Humor increases the attraction of a less physically attractive man or a man of low status.
  • Verbal intelligence and humor predicted an increase in lifetime sexual partners for men.
  • Women initiate sex more with funny men and have more sex with funny men.
  • Sex with humorous men increased the likelihood of female orgasm.

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